August Horoscopes

Aries: You will rent the entire line of Hellraiser horror movies and be disappointed by all of them except the first two.

Taurus: You will have a dream that you are a tall woman who is disappointed in the size of her large feet. Upon awaking, you will realize it was just a dream, unless you are actually a tall woman who is disappointed in the size of her large feet? If that is the case, you have a high percentage chance of falling in love with a non-human, this month.

Gemini: Your child will fall and hit his head on a rock, this month, and it will cause slight retardation. Don’t worry, though: he was destined to be a fry cook a McDonald’s, anyhow.

Cancer: As your sign implies, you have cancer. It won’t be noticeable just yet, but get your next scheduled colonoscopy on time, or it will be too late.

Leo: The Wizard of Oz + Dark Side of the Moon will change your life? Not in a good way, though. You will be watching while under the influence of psilocybin mushrooms and your brain will get stuck chanting, ‘Home. Home again.’ Forever. And ever.

Virgo: Though you thought your family was normal, you will find out that they are actually even more normal than you thought when you realize that they actually have 2.5 kids.

Libra: After watching a Joyce Meyer sermon on Christian Television Network, you will realize that everyone in your life is a tool of Satan. There will be very little you will be able to do about this except donate a tenth of your income to the Church and hope that God will intervene and they will all die in a freak catamaran accident.


Scorpio: Avoid people with mustaches at all costs. If you don’t, you will fall hopelessly in love with one of them and they will turn out to have a secret family living somewhere near Tarpon Springs, FL.


Sagittarius: Congratulations! If you are reading this you have been very lucky. Without your knowledge, you escaped an extremely painful death by not going to the mall last Thursday. I can’t go into details, but it would have involved a short ugly woman and a massive blunt bread knife.


Capricorn: Cats will be bad luck for you this month. If at all possible, stay away from a Chinese dish called “Phoenix Chasing Dragon”. If you live in China, this would be a good month to become a vegetarian.


Aquarius: An ex love interest will call you from Nepal this month. They will confess that they have thought about you every day for the last six years and are miserable without you. They will then throw themselves off a cliff when you admit that you don’t really remember them.


Pisces: You will be going on a trip. At the airport, a strange Arab man will offer to help you with your bags. You will accept and then later recount the story to the check-in lady. Security will then brisk you away to a concrete room and subject you to a humiliating and painful cavity search. Later, after you have missed your flight and security have found nothing, you will go back to the terminal and see the Arab man working the X-Ray machine with a smile.



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