“NEW YORK – The United Nations International Library Council met, today, down by the East River side to discuss Iran’s continued pooh-poohing of international law governing library books. Iran is said to owe $8.6 million in overdue fees from libraries across the globe and have refused to pay the fees or even return the books.

“”The problem has gotten to the point where we can no longer sit back and allow international law to be ignored,”" UN Library inspector Hans Grooper told LushForLife.com in an exclusive telephone interview. “”Iran currently has almost three hundred copies of ‘The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,’ and over a thousand copies of ‘Catcher in the Rye’ held up in and around Tehran. President Ahmadinejad has refused to allow inspectors into his country to catalogue or retrieve any of the 20,000 paperbacks, hardcovers, and periodicals they have been slowly collecting from member nations, and something now has to be done.”"

Ahmadinejad is said to be a huge JD Salinger fan, and has a compulsion to buy a copy of “”The Catcher in the Rye”" every time he sees it. Sometimes, when he doesn’t see one for a few days, he has to actually go out and find one, just to feel normal. The renting of the library books began to spiral out of control in late 2002, when Ahmadinejad lent one of his beloved copies to a personal friend with the remark, “”God, this book is great!”" The comment was apparently misinterpreted to mean, “”God, says this book is great,”" and, as the news spread throughout Iran, drastic shortages of Salinger’s tale of youthful misadventure opened up a massive black market supplied by what senior White House staff are calling Literary-Terrorists. The ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’ market blew wide open early in 2003 when a top Muslim Cleric revealed on a local movie review television show that he “”really didn’t like the movie as much as the book, which was amazing. Everyone should read it at least 42 times in their life.”"

The proposal being drafted by the UN will attempt to invoke library card sanctions on Tehran and, if necessary, send in a peacekeeping force to remove the glasses of far-sighted offenders. Netflix.com, the popular online video rental site, has petitioned the UN to include a clause addressing the refusal of the Iranian government to return their copies of Throw Momma from the Train, but the United Nations is holding out. Political insiders are speculating that the UN is unwilling to comply with Netflix.com‘s request because of a failed resolution from 1987 that attempted to ban Danny DeVito from ever directing again.

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Aries: You will get into a pointless argument with two friends who will take sides against you. The fight will be blown completely out of proportion and your friendships will be forever ruined. Two weeks later you will read something on Wikipedia.com that will prove you where wrong, but the damage has already been done. Try and meet new people.

Taurus: Rats will attempt to make a home within your drywall. Don’t worry; they will contract a rare rodent decease inside the walls from an ex-pet hamster belonging to a young girl who lived in your house with her family twelve years ago. The stench of the decaying rat carcasses will drive you to move in with an annoying, but attention-seeking friend who will keep you up for a week with his monstrous snoring.

Cancer: Do not attempt to try anything new this month – you will fail. Wait till October to install that new operating system you’ve been reading about, otherwise, you will destroy all the illegal MP3s and poorly lit family vacation photos you haven’t backed up. I’m right, aren’t I? You haven’t backed up anything, ever.

Sagittarius: You will contract a nasty yeast infection. It doesn’t matter how much of that probiotic yogurt you ingest since some pseudo-scientist told you to that night you were drunk at 4am watching Christian Television Network – it won’t work. Invest in some cotton underwear.

Capricorn: You will contract contact dermatitis as result of working with photographic chemicals and your company will not pay for your medical treatment. Get a better job.

Virgo: You will eat too much sushi at a cheap Japanese restaurant and you will feel sick immediately. Unfortunately, that last piece of yellowtail was poisoned with arsenic. Goodbye.

Gemini: You are a cheap slut who cheats on your significant other and you will pay for it in the afterlife. You will also get fat from birthing too many retarded children.

Scorpio: Being an undercover narcotics agent is evil work, and you will pay for it, this month, as a suspected drug runner will gouge out your eye with a used, AIDS-infected heroin needle. Go fuck yourself, Narc.

Pisces: You will get stuck in a place you don’t want to be. Just as you try to make your escape, a 7-horned goblin will leap from the shadows and offer you a glass of warm milk. You decline, offer the goblin a shot of amyl nitrate, and the goblin will die. Score one for you.

Libra: A love interest will surface by the rise of the new moon. You will attempt to court this interest by using your indescribable charm and splitting wit. Your ultimate goal of achieving a life long love will fall short when you get hammered on Mint Juleps and proceed to sing the entire score of Moulin Rouge out-of-key.

Leo: A night of drinking with your closest friends will involve a gallon jug of brake fluid and Old Crow. Even though you at first will be reluctant, go ahead and join them. You will discover a new love for the Genitorturers.

Taurus: While grocery shopping, a very attractive person of the opposite sex will approach you and take you back to their home. You get excited at the idea of sleeping with this person – until they sneak up behind you and suffocate you with a rag drenched in chloroform. You will wake up being anally rape by a pack of rabid Dobermans. Your host will be gracious enough to offer you a meal afterward – a Hungry Man Salisbury Steak Dinner. Enjoy.

“WASHINGTON – Badly Photoshop‘d photographs have been appearing everywhere, lately, from the Israel/Lebanon debacle to Katie Couric’s fat chipmunk cheeks. Blame is being doled out to many, including hackers for making the usually expensive Photoshop program free for all, and to bored politicos trying to make disasters and wars seem better or worse.

Even high-profile celebriticians are getting in on the fun. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Twin-cum-Governor of California, was recently exposed as he Photoshop‘d his wife, Maria Shriver, to look much prettier than she actually is. He replaced some wedding photos around the house with the doctored pics, but was caught because he accidentally used a black man’s body to replace hers. Said Schwarzenegger:

“”I am to apologize to my wife, my family, and my God for these atrocities which I have set forth against humanity. As penance, I will hang myself from the highest tree in the Redwood Forest.”"

Being a politician, he did not come through with his word and was last seen playing golf in drag for a junior midget team.

Much more sinister doctoring has been done, though, as Karl Rove was caught ‘touching up’ a picture of a limbless victim of friendly fire in Iraq. He replaced the soldier with a happy clown, proclaiming that Bush’s plan for the invasion of Iraq was ‘damn well worth it,’ as it brought smiles to the faces of many war-torn homes.

Dubbed ‘BozoGate,’ President George ‘Dubya’ Bush is defending his corrupt compatriot. ‘Rovey, now, Rovey is a good? good guy. He has the, uh, best of intentions, and as the old proverb goes: ‘an ounce of good intention is worth a ton of good deeds’.’

And it doesn’t stop there.

Between-jobs actor Tom Cruise is trying to find work, again, by passing out Photoshop’d pictures of his face on the head of an erect penis as his new headshot. When he was caught by Hollywood casting agency Meyers, Myers, and Meiers, he claimed that it was, indeed, a true photo of his inner being. Once one reached Thetan level six, apparently, their body morphs into a penis to sexually satisfy Xenu, the gigantic, sexually starved super-God entity.

LushForLife.com has stayed in the clear, however, as we only use film to photograph our images, proving absolutely zero of them to be the manipulations of a warped, ratings-hungry media giant.

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“LAS VEGAS – It appears that former polygamist and federal fugitive Warren Jeffs, who was recently apprehended by Nevada Highway Patrol just north of Las Vegas on Wednesday morning, is prepared to enter a new line of work.

Jeffs was arrested after patrol officers witnessed his ‘89 Chrysler LeBaron driving down Interstate 15 with expired Arizona plates, along with a broken brake light. He was apprehended with $50,000 on his person, along with laptop computers and a collection of never-seen-before styles of wigs.

Following his arrest, the fugitive leader of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder-Day Saints – who has been on the FBI’s 10 most wanted list since May – promptly spoke aloud his pleas to God, stating, “”The mighty, protective cloak of the Lord will shield me from this world.”"

Following the polygamist’s arrest, LushForLife.com promptly sent correspondent Arthur Rocks to Heaven to sit-in on the emergency meeting held by the Holy Committee of God:

The committee is reluctant to answer his prayers? Though some of its members, namely Joyce Meyer and the Apostle Paul, spoke out in anger to the members of the Committee and the people of Heaven for not coming to the aid of their fallen soldier. It appears though, following the committee convening for about a five minute private session, no aid will come, at least at this time, to Jeffs or any other ‘sick, twisted polygamist fuckers,’ Committee member Craig T. Nelson said.

Upon hearing the alarming news via a digital prayer network hosted by the righteous, God-fearing, Christian entrepreneur Creflo Dollar, Jeffs said he would accept a new position, which was recently offered to him by Vogue Magazine.

’I will be a creative consultant for Vogue Magazine, and at this time, I’d like to enter a plea of insanity,’ Jeffs said from a pew he insisted to be installed in his holding cell from Las Vegas City Jail. Anna Wintour, Editor of the publication, has widely been considered by reliable news outlets and respected intellectual social circles as a devout minion of Satan himself, and this recent news is nothing more than a validating example.

’You should see the wigs and costumes this guy was traveling with,’ Wintour said to LushForLife.com correspondent Carl Laszlo in New York. ‘If you were in the fashion world, you’d all do the same as I have. I’m not quite sure why a fundamental polygamist would be riding cross-country with such a fabulous collection of wigs, but at this point I just don’t care. I’m proud to have such a visionary on our team.’

Depending on the outcomes of the eventual legal proceedings Jeffs will endure, his days as a fundamental pastor of the Mormon Church have reached their end.

’It was a long, crazy ride,’ Jeffs said as a fellow inmate gave him a I Corinthians 4:14 enema. ‘I’ve married girls as young as five to good, honest, hairy-backed and hairy-nosed 67 year-old curmudgeons,’ he said, ‘and I’ve shared the bed of over two dozen wives. I was always content until the Lord hath forsaken me. Now its time for me to serve a new master: the fashion industry.’

Nothing like a filthy-minded, self-proclaimed Messiah martyr sending 80 pound 12 year-olds down the red carpet. It’s better than down the aisle, I suppose…

“

METROPOLIS – The average American citizen does not have superpowers, latent or otherwise, rebuffing the slew of television shows, films, and fictional accounts to the contrary. As a matter of fact, studies show that the average American citizen is just that: average. Continue Reading

“PRAGUE – In a shocking announcement, Thursday, the International Astronomical Union demoted the ninth planet, Pluto, to the lowly status of “”dwarf planet”". For 76 years, the small chunk of rock and ice with the wobbly orbit was part of the prestigious planetary club, but has now been knocked from it’s dizzying heights and dropped to a second class citizen of the solar system. Besides the slap in the face to all life forms who may or may not live on the lonely asteroid, the demotion has sent waves of anger and horror throughout more than one lamenting community.

At the top of the list of mourners is the Walt Disney Company. Disney filed legal action early Friday morning against the International Astronomical Union, demanding the reinstatement of the planetary status of the celestial body Mickey and Minnie’s beloved pet was named for. Disney is claiming copyright infringement against the IAU, saying they are dragging the name of a beloved icon through the mud. And if there is one thing you should never do is take on Disney in a copyright battle, but Disney is not the only organization initiating legal action against the AIU.

Both the Little People of America (LPA), a nonprofit organization that provides support and information to people of short stature and their families, and the Olympians of North America (ONA) are seeking an injunction to halt the demotion of Pluto. The LPA’s lawsuit will focus on the term “”dwarf planet”", which they believe is derogatory and offensive to other small planets. The injunction will attempt to have the astrological phrase changed to “”little planet”" and seek punitive damages in excess of 2.5 million dollars. The other suit, People vs The AIU, is being filed by the ACLU, representing the Olympians of North America. The ONA is a non-tax-exempt religious organization that worships Roman gods and goddesses. ACLU spokesperson Ana S. Shat said yesterday in a press conference, “”This is exactly the kind of thoughtlessness that we have come to expect from Christian dominated organizations everywhere. These people make decisions that affect people with beliefs that are just as legitimate and kooky as Christianity and someone needs to stand up for them.”"

Though the controversy rages, not everyone is upset about the new status of Pluto. Hollywood superstar and stereotypical African-American Eddie Murphy said Friday, “”Man, I am glad that bitch is getting renamed. Every-time people hear dat name they think about Pluto Nash, and MAN, I don’t want anyone thinking about that movie. With that mutherfucka gone, maybe I can finally get my career back!”" Planet X Spokesperson and full time conspiracy theorist C. Carl Kent told LushForLife.com in a telephone interview, “”This is simply wonderful news. With that little piece of crap finally out of the way, now is the time for people to start thinking about Planet X as a viable alternative. We’ve been waiting in the wings for years for this opportunity to pounce and now the time is nigh! Look out universe, here we come!”"

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“LONDON – After so much bad news in the world of British politics, there is once again cause to celebrate. The pitter-patter of tiny feet can be heard bounding down the halls of power at Ten Downing Street. The Prime Minister’s wife, Cherie Blair, has given birth to eight puppies!

The British press has been crowding ’round the local veterinarian where Cherie had her litter late last night. She is said to be happy but exhausted. “”Having given birth to such a large litter and then eating all of their placenta’s… that would tire anyone out,”" Said Cherie Blair’s spokeswoman.

In a press conference this morning, Tony Blair seemed a little worn out, too. All he could do was pant a lot and smile occasionally. “”It is no wonder that he has such a big grin on his face,”" said a reporter for NBC news. “”I heard that his owner, George. W. Bush, was considering having him neutered in the fall.

Using our extra leverage (blackmail, extortion, calling in old favors) here at LushForLife.com, I was able to get an exclusive interview with the proud owner of Tony Blair and his bitch, Mrs. Blair.

Johnny Iglesia Gonzales: Mr. President, thank you so much for finding the time to talk to us.

George W. Bush: You didn’t give us much choice.

JIG: First question Mr. President, what color puppies do we have?

GWB: Well, there are a couple with stars, three with stripes and the rest are black hounds of hell.

JIG: I see. Do you intend to keep any of the puppies?

GWB: The way I look at it, a dog needs to be obedient, do what it’s told, and never bite the hand that feeds it. I may keep a couple of the most docile and dumb ones and shoot the rest.

JIG: Thank you so much for your time Mr. President, the good folk of Britain will be glad to know that you are such a keen animal lover.

The LushForLife.com office has been a little quiet since I had to send home the Cuban band I was hiding in my office, so I have asked the rest of the gang if they think they are ready for some responsibility. As a LushForLife.com anniversary gift, I smuggled out one of the black puppies of the Damned before The President had a chance to throw them in the river. What we need you to do is to come up with a suitable name for our new office pet. The lucky winner will receive nothing but our heartfelt thanks, so get those names into us pronto.

“

“I’ve been rereading Marcus Buckingham’s The One Thing You Need to Know…

Here’s a guy who worked for the Gallup Organization for 17 years and drills down into the statistics, deeper and deeper, until he finds the critical factor which separates the successful from the mediocre.

He can tell you the One Thing you need to know to make your relationship work with your significant other (and he’s right). He can also tell you the One Thing you need to be a great manager, or a great leader (which explains precisely what is wrong with John Kerry, what Rove gets right, and exactly what the Dems have messed up since Clinton said, “”It’s the economy, stupid!”").

But Buckingham has left a few gaps, so here are some “”One Things”" you need to know, presented by the LushForLife.com statistics technique, which is slightly different from the Gallup method.

The One Thing Women Need to Know about Men: Men need an on-going challenge. A man acts as if he wants to be the boss, yet the moment a woman turns herself inside-out to please him, he loses interest in his new doormat.

The one secret to holding a man’s lifelong interest is to love being you. You can love him deeply and reassure him that he has an amazing penis and is the only one for you, but then put your nose in the air, go out with your girlfriends, and get on with life, without changing yourself for him. He’ll spend fifty years trying to be the boss, and lying to his friends that he is. Add in a few blowjobs and he’ll be completely contented and endlessly interested in you, as long as he never quite wins.

The One Thing Men Need to Know about Themselves: They’ll do anything to get laid. Men will put up with any amount of abuse, spend ludicrous amounts of money at Victoria’s Secret, endure the humiliation of drinking non-alcoholic beer in front of their friends, and even watch chick flicks in the hope that they will get some sexual satisfaction. Once permanently hitched, they will retile the bathrooms every year, repaint the house whatever color you like, and spend the whole of November erecting bizarrely complicated Christmas lights, in exchange for 15 minutes of lack-luster sex each month.

The One Thing You Need to Know about Parenting: You chose to have the kid, so it’s your problem. Schools are there to store the kid while you are at work. It’s not the teachers’ fault if your child can only eat by scooping food from a receptacle held three inches from its mouth while watching TV. It’s not the school’s fault if you child has no manners, creativity, rational thinking skills, or relationship building skills. You can’t medicate these skills into the kid, either. Your bad.

The One Thing You Need to Know about Life: You can improve the way you do it. If you do ineffective or self-destructive things over and over again, and then whine about the consequences, you are insane. Visit LushForLife.com regularly. Read Marcus Buckingham. Kick the Republicans out of office. Get a woman who loves herself, loves you, hates repainting, and gives amazing blowjobs. Clinton did it – and he had a balance of trade surplus!

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“BOULDER, CO – The alleged murderer John Mark Karr, who confessed to killing six-year old JonBenet Ramsey a decade ago in a statement last week, has recently been acquitted of all possible wrongdoing by Boulder law enforcement officials, allegedly on the grounds of being a complete liar.

“”After the conclusion of a recent investigation our team has just completed, we have determined Karr is no more than a bold-faced liar,”" Boulder District Attorney Mary Lacy said to LushForLife.com correspondent Willy O’Keefe. “”This does not mean he isn’t a despicable, terrible person in the eyes of Boulder law enforcement, mind you. I’d like that to be perfectly clear and on the record.”"

The investigation Boulder officials conducted, according to Lacy, was an extensive background check on Karr, as well as other suspicious weirdos and general backwoods, mountain-aged scum surrounding the greater Boulder, Colorado, area, not to mention the surrounding states of New Mexico, Nevada, and, worst of all, Utah. ‘Our investigation went to great lengths to find Mr. Karr guilty on all counts,’ Lacy said, ‘but unfortunately, this is not the case.’

Criminal investigator Bill Broussard, of New Orleans, Louisiana, offered his take on Karr’s once supposed guilt. ‘I knew all along he was lying. His entire name is only three syllables. That’s always a sure sign to a person in my line of work that you’re dealing with a lying bastard.’

Since the news of Karr’s acquittal broke, many other supposed culprits of Ramsey’s murder have begun to surface. Most notably, Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.

’I want to tell you a secret,’ the youngest quarterback to ever lead his team to the Superbowl told LushForLife.com correspondent Arthur Rocks while both of them were receiving a full body massage in the Vietnamese massage parlor attached to the rear of Rocks’ home. ‘I killed JonBenet. I was only fourteen, but I tell you, she was smokin’!’

Roethlisberger spoke to Rocks and LushForLife.com on the condition of anonymity, but both the reporting and editing staff here at this news outlet doesn’t really care. We realize that by selling out a legitimate source we are compromising our collective journalistic integrity, but we hate Roethlisberger so much we are willing to make such a sacrifice.

There’s no doubt the LushForLife.com scoop of Roethlisberger’s alleged wrongdoing will cause both uproar among fans of the NFL’s golden boy, as well as investigators in Boulder.

’We’re already looking into our leads on Big Ben,’ District Attorney Lacy said to O’Keefe. According to Lacy, their investigators have already linked Roethlisberger to a hate crime involving a senior citizen in Denver in 1995, as well as an alleged account of a rape of an inner city, cocaine-addicted teen.

’Sometimes, even I’m amazed at how disturbed these perverts are,’ Broussard said. ‘With hardcore, testosterone-fiend football players, there’s no telling how deep the rabbit hole will go.’

All there is to do now is wait and see what evidence turns up. If a soiled garment or a bloody blouse bears eventually its face, LushForLife.com will be there bringing you all the news that’s not fit to print.

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“LOS ANGELES – In a ground breaking doctoral thesis, UCLA PhD Student Alex Moore claims he and fellow researchers have discovered a living relative of modern humans. Dubbed Homo-Hauliris by the team of Moore, two of his professors, and three Master’s students, the “”living fossil”" may be the single most significant scientific discovery of the millennium.

Our Homo-Hauliris cousins are, apparently, slightly larger around the waist, have a smaller brain, and sport enlarged forearms and lesser-evolved moral and ethical reasoning. Moore and his team assert that most of these individuals operate as tow-truck drivers or owners of impound lots.

“”We are all very excited about this find,”" Moore exclaimed to reporters in a press conference early Monday morning. ‘This could rewrite our ideas about human evolution.’ Moore, an anthropology doctoral candidate, has been working on his thesis for two years and has amassed thousands of DNA samples backing up his claims. ‘Our findings are startling,’ continued Moore, ‘We have discovered a small population living along side our own, seemingly identical to modern humans, but with a few important distinctions.’ The team then proceeded to show a slide show of many modern Homo-Haulirises.

The images were extremely convincing. The Haulirises were all badly dressed and dirty, showing their struggle to understand fashion due to their underdeveloped brains; most of the specimens exhibited a distinct lack of teeth caused, according to Moore, by a gene that makes Homo-Hauliris incapable of personal hygiene and unable to avoid greasy, disgusting foods with massive quantities of High-fructose corn syrup.

When asked how Moore first became suspicious that the tow-truck industry was overrun with lower forms of human life, he responded, ‘Well, my girlfriend’s car was towed outside of my house one Saturday night for no apparent reason. She was working the next day, so I volunteered my Sunday to go pick up her car on the other side of town. When I got there, the lot was closed, but a posted telephone number connected me with a rude, obnoxious ape-creature, who explained that it was God’s day, and I would have to pay $30 (on top of the $190 fee to get the car back) if I wanted one of her bottom dwellers to skip church and come and open the lot. When the mouth breathing, hairy-knuckled monster finally arrived, it informed me in broken English that I could not get the car with out the owner faxing over a release. I said that this wasn’t a problem and would get the release faxed over immediately. However, I was then told that the office (which we were standing in) was closed on Sundays and I would have to come back tomorrow, with an extra $30 for housing the car overnight. I then proceeded to hit the beast with a tire wrench four or five times before he began tap-dancing on my trachea. In disbelief over the stupidity of the situation, I analyzed the blood on the wrench back at my lab, and the rest is history.’

The Christian Right has come out strongly against the research, with top Christian leaders Jerry Falwell and Pat Robinson both making statements, Tuesday, claiming the research is fraudulent and then began beating the rotting corpse of the dead horse of creationism. Liberal commentators have pointed out that their opinion may be extremely biased, as many of their congregations are made up of tow truck drivers and impound lot owners.

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