Parliament, Proletariat: P’shaw!

T he United States of America celebrated its final Independence Day on July 4, 2006. Americans lit their last fireworks and waved their last flags to commemorate the signing of an historic document. From 2007, this date will no longer be a public holiday, as America returns to the British Empire on November 1st of this year.

This will finally solve a lot of problems, including the President’s poll figures and Karl Rove’s worries about his place in history.

The spirit of the country will return to that of 1763, when we celebrated the British victory in the Seven Years’ War, reveling in our identity as Britons and in our membership the world’s greatest empire.

The tone of governance of the White House (soon to be known as the White Palace) has prepared Americans for the autocratic new order which is about to dawn. We are more used to this type of regulation than at any time since the rule of George III.

The future Vice-Roy, His Excellency Lord George W. Bush, has completed the documentation of his claim to membership of the House of Windsor. HRH Queen Elizabeth has given her approval of his coat of arms as authorized by the Royal College of Heraldry.

Satirists have until November 1st to comment that Bush’s rival in claim to royal blood, John Kerry, is also an asset to the new colony. After that date, it will be considered l’se majestÈ to observe that it is positively Shakespearean to have idiots with royal blood saying moronic things at regular intervals. (Until then I can still say that it gives a place class.)

As we return to an historic system, we are uniquely equipped to find suitable candidates to take the roles of earls, barons, and other titled gentry to support a once-archaic plutocratic/aristocratic format. Gerrymandering has created a governmental system that keeps incumbents in power, seemingly forever. On November 1st, each member of Congress will be knighted, and all members of the Senate will become hereditary titled peers. Governors will become be dukes. The Constitution does not matter. Few people in power are interested in it anyway.

And then? HAH! The Royal New York Times can stop publishing state secrets and limit itself to featuring Laura, Duchess of Washington, watching cricket on the White Palace pitch. A Vice-Roy doesn’t have to put up with bloody nonsense from the unwashed press. We’ll have photographs of ladies’ hats covered with stuffed birds. If the media has more space, they can publish recipes for fish and chips, boiled beef with boiled potatoes, boiled Brussels sprouts, boiled cabbage, suet pudding, and custard.

Anyone who does not like their telephone calls tapped or their financial records examined can distract themselves with healthy hobbies. Play rugby, soccer (and play better than Ghana for a change), cricket, or a few chukkers of polo, and then drink some beer at room temperature.

That should shut them up. Failing that, a nice cup of tea should to the trick. Hot, with milk and sugar, as God intended it. If they are still bitching, they can have a scone.

Back in the good old days, the proletariat knew their place and the upper class kept them in it, and those days are coming back. Kneel, you bastards, kneel, and obey your betters, because you’ve been running amok for two hundred and thirty years, and its time you went back in your kennels, and Karl Rove? I mean George Bush… is just the man to put you there.

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