Local Man Reads The Onion

TAMPA – Local resident John Andrews stumbled upon the Internet’s most popular satirical site, TheOnion.com, during a five-minute break at work, Tuesday, and it hasn’t really changed anything about him or his daily routine.

Calling our Tampa offices shortly after the discovery, Andrews shared some thoughts about his experience with me in a brief telephone interview:

Egbert Souse: So, you finally read TheOnion.com. What did you think of it?

John Andrews: Oh. Well, it was… You know, I don’t really know. I saw some headlines, and they were kind of lame. It was stuff like, “”Local Man Reads TheOnion.com,”” and other junk like that. Nothing really satirical about it. I was under the impression that the site is run by a bunch of lazy slackers who don’t really care about their readers. It seemed as if they think that we’ll laugh at anything they put up.

ES: And is that the case?

JA: No, of course not. Anyone who is intelligent enough to actively seek well written, thought out satire, instead of accepting what mass media has to tell him, deserves to be stimulated in a g-spot bending orgasm of intellectualism. Is that really too much to ask?

ES: No. No, I don’t think so. At an office such as ours, for instance, we work really hard, night and –

JA: Look: This isn’t about you. It’s about TheOnion.com. Can we please stay on the subject?

ES: Fine?

JA: Anyhow, I did find myself chuckling at a headline that used a play on the homophone ‘way’ and ‘weigh’. But, overall, I must say that it leaned more towards complete retardation and laziness than it did witty, scathing satire that pointed out the flaws and inconsistencies of our modern day culture and society.

ES: Okay.

JA: Are you all right, man?

ES: Yeah, I’m fine. I just wanted to talk about LushForLife.com a bit more.

JA: Look: I didn’t even mean to call you. I meant to call my wife to tell her I’d be home five minutes late because of reading that trash. I’ve never even heard of LushForLife.com before I dialed this number on accident.

ES: Okay. Will you please read it, now? It’s really funny.

JA: No!

ES: You don’t have to be so rude about it, asshole.

JA: Fuck off, prick! [click]

A transcript of this interview has been forwarded to both TheOnion.com and the National Security Administration for further dissection.

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