July Horoscopes


Cancer: Your life sucks just enough to consider killing yourself. Wait until later, though, when you are married and with children, so you can screw them out of your life insurance policy at the same time.

Sagittarius: Don’t go to work this week. Call in sick instead. If you do go, you will get robbed on your way in, and will try to fight back to keep your wallet containing twenty dollars. You will lose and will suffer a mild concussion.

Gemini: Your dog will lick peanut butter off of your feet and get a stomachache. Fido will then vomit all over you priceless collection of Garbage Pail Kids cards, making them worth less than nothing.

Scorpio: Your watch will fail in the middle of the night for five minutes. It will screw up your whole day, as you will be five minutes late on everything, including that joke your boss told you, resulting in your termination.

Taurus: Your friends are shitheads who can’t be counted on for anything and think you are a stupid asshole when you ask them to live up to their simple obligations. Get new friends.

Libra: Your friends aren’t that bad; you are just very finicky and moody. Lighten up, once in a while, and everything will be fine.

Aries: While suffering from a bad case of diarrhea, you will buy some anti-diarrheal medicine that was accidentally switched with canine heartworm medicine. You will suffer no adverse side effects, but will attempt to sue the manufacturer. You will lose your case.

Capricorn: Don’t go to the mall on Thursdays this month, I can’t go into it, but trust me… DON’T GO!

Leo: A young woman will come to your house and ask you to sign a petition regarding water purity levels. You will sign it thinking that it’s to make water purer. This will turn out to be a scam and you will have signed up for live organ donation… sign it if you want to.

Aquarius: LushForLife.com will become an obsession with you and your friends. You will dedicate all your free time to reading the stories and even writing a few yourself. Disappointment overcomes you when your story gets accepted and has been completely edited, losing all its meaning. Don’t kill yourself. If you do, please write a humorous suicide note for us to post unedited.

Virgo: You will eat a wonderful Chinese dinner with friends and family. The meal will be inexpensive and you will all comment on the great value, but your mood will turn sour when you find your fortune cookie empty.

Pisces: Danny Albertson will flat out lie to you and tell you he will write four horoscopes and then will neglect to do any, leaving more work for you and the rest of your staff.

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