Israeli Fireworks Spark International Debate

BEIRUT – The sky over Beirut exploded in a dazzling display of pyrotechnic brilliance sponsored by the Israeli Government, Thursday. The fireworks included a beautiful Lance Missile, reminiscent of a Roman candle, and fantastic Jericho 1s, similar to giant bottle rockets. The display was in celebration of the kidnapping of two Israeli soldiers who no one really liked. Ehud Goldwasser, 31, from Nahariya, and Eldad Regev, 26, from Kiryat Motzkin, where taken on the 12th of July by Hezbollah, just inside the Israeli border. The two were, reportedly, pranksters whom nobody in their unit really liked.

“”Ehud once put a burning bag of camel shit outside of our barracks’ door,”” said Sergeant Uri Avotaynu, of the Israeli 22nd. “”Second Lieutenant Jacob Cohn got crap all over his boots when he tried to stomp out the fire. What an asshole!””

Motzkin was also not liked by his fellow servicemen, apparently. “”Let me tell you something about that schmuck,”” Captain A.B. Segal told LushForLife.com reporter Arthur Rocks in a telephone interview Wednesday morning. “”That dipshit once ordered fourteen ham and pineapple pizzas to the Captain’s dinner about three months ago. HAM! Where’d he even find a delivery place that had pork?! I’m glad that putz is gone.””

But the fireworks in celebration of the troublemakers’ departure have sparked much international debate. It seems that of the fireworks went astray and unfortunately crash-landed on a few Hezbollah controlled buildings, setting them on fire, damaging their paintjobs, and leveling them to the ground. Hezbollah, a much-loved international civil rights group renowned for their petting zoos and line of children’s novels, has made a formal protest to the United Nations’ Children’s Literary Organization to try and stop Israel’s festival of lights. UN Secretary General Kofi Annan said, Monday, ‘These displays are a complete overreaction. From what I have heard, the soldiers weren’t that bad.’

Overacting expert and Operating Thetan Level 7 John Travolta told LushForLife.com earlier today that he didn’t think it was really an overreaction. ‘I’ve been over acting for years,’ said the Battlefield Earth star, ‘and I would have to say that this wasn’t even close to an overreaction. What you would really need to get this to the level of Face/Off would be to actually bomb the country back into the Stone Age. I mean, they’ve just started getting back on their feet after that civil war thing and their economy is finally getting its act together, so I would write a script where their roads, hospitals, schools, factories, and milk production plants were all wiped out. That would sell a butt-load of popcorn!’

The general assembly of the UN is still undecided as whether or not to attempt to sell the movie rights to the growing conflict, but American Super President, George ‘Dubya’ Bush said earlier today that he would watch anything staring John Travolta – another sure sign that the man is a complete idiot.

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