Ask Brett! Volume 4

In a monthly periodical, you, the readers of LushForLife.com, can submit questions to Danny Albertson, and he will forward a handful of them to Brett Favre in their monthly sit down QandA.

Danny Albertson: I’m sitting down, once again, with possibly the most beloved and adored figure in all professional sports of all-time, ever: Brett Favre. A lot has happened since the last time you and I have had the pleasure of seeing each other’s scabbed faces.

Brett Favre: Sometimes your choice of words really offends me.

DA: I’m surprised, actually. You and I have known each other for a while, now, and have been through some strange shit together, too. It offends me that something so trivial would offend you.

BF: Do we really have to go through with this, then? I have an oversized lawn to mow somewhere.

DA: I say we can both just sit here and be offended by each other, because there are some important questions the people of ‘Merca really need to ask their self-crowned leader of everything that’s important. I mean you?

Besides, its not like you’re actually going to spend anytime learning the new offensive system Mike McCarthy is installing in Green Bay. You’re so awesome, all you have to do is all you’ve ever done – just fling that sucker out there and make a dern play.

BF: Goddam right, dad-blame it. Cockin’ back the ol’ cannon shooter is all this simple, Miss Sipp, gunslingin’ get-ur-done’r has ever been able to do.

DA: Let’s go to the mailbag. This first question comes from D’Artagnan in Yonkers, New York:

I know you’re considering a career in politics after your playing days are over. How do you feel about Charles Barkley annonouncing that he will run for Governor of Alabama in 2010?

BF: Usually, my stance on this issue is that athletes should stay out of politics, unless we’re referring to me. In Charles’ case, being such a bright guy, I think he should go for it.

DA: I always thought he was a complete moron.

BF: That just goes to show you what you city boys know about real life.

DA: Since you guys seem to be on the same page, maybe the two of you should run together for president, on the Republican ticket, no doubt. Those good-ol’-boys would respond to your thick skulls.

BF: As long as there’s a cold Budweiser and a backwoods broad, I’ll go anywhere and do anything. I’m sure that Charles would agree with me.

DA: If you’re a republican, and from the South, those things will surely follow you wherever you go. Our next question comes from Tommy in Milwaukee:

I am planning a hunting trip in Mississippi next month. I really want to gun down some good game, and I figured you could offer me some tips. What kind of guns do you use?

BF: Mostly I never leave my house without my 12-gauge double barrel elephant rifle. That sucker will blow the head of a twelve point buck clean off his body and leave the remaining corpse bloody and in shards of boney pieces. It’ll cause some serious damage.

DA: Isn’t the point of hunting to mount your kill on the wall, or to eat the animal? If you blow it to pieces, doesn’t that defeat the purpose of hunting the animal in the first place?

BF: The 12-gauge is strong, buddy, but will only cause a limited amount of damage to your kill. I don’t hunt for trophies or food. The Packers pay me $10 million a year, so I don’t need to kill my own food to survive. I also have way too many plaques and awards honoring all of my accomplishments on display in my home to have room for stuffed animal corpses. What I like is to destroy the hell out of a dern deer! The 12-gauge is good, but if you want real demolition, I’ve got a barrel full of hand grenades I take out with my military issue arm cannon that can blow through a 10-foot wide block of solid earth rock. Those are real goddam weapons!

DA: The next time you destroy a deer, will you send me the meat and the corpse so we here at LushForLife.com can at least enjoy it? I think our office could use a bit more character. There’s nothing like a dead animal to bring out the life in something, you know?

BF: I know what you mean, dudebro.

DA: Till next time, Brett?

BF: Sure, I guess. I’m getting a bit sick of doing this, though.

DA: We’ve all been sick of you for years, man. It’s all about learning how to live with one another, and being accepting of a wide array of different sorts of people.

BF: Except for the niggers.

DA: Riiight?

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