Angry Indians Say ‘Stop Bombing Cows’

BEIRUT – As bombs drop and artillery explode Nandiashti, the lesser known, Hindu wing of Hezbollah, has rolled up its yoga mats and thrown its Bhagavad-Gita in the furnace as murmurs of dissent are heard throughout their temples. “”We will no longer tolerate the brazen disruption of our sleep or the interruption of distribution of our valuable universal beverage base for our non-fat-half-caf-one-pump-vanilla-no-whip-soy-Chai-frappicinos. This is a declaration of war!”” Dhairya Nibodh, Leader of Nandiashti said last Thursday.

Unfortunately, the information was not released until yesterday. It could not be deciphered, as it was delivered via Beta cassette tape thrown from the window of a speeding Volkswagen van. It seems that there is only one Beta cassette player left in existence. Frank and Shirley Lamkey, of Van Nuys, California, bought the player in 1996 after their previous player broke. “”We hadn’t seen Purple Rain since 1987,”” said Mr. Lamkey.

“”Man, dude, it’s not the plastics factory those crazy Jews bombed on Monday or the pharmaceutical plant they bombed yesterday; it’s the dairy farm they bombed on Tuesday that has us really kind of pissed off, now. You see, we’re Hindu and we sort of worship cows. It’s not the 258 civilian dead or the 582 injured that bothers us; it’s the fact that they killed 27 innocent beautiful cows, you know, Brostradamus?”” said Nibodh in an exclusive satellite phone interview with Arthur Rocks.

’We didn’t realize there were any Hindus in Lebanon, and we certainly didn’t realize that Hezbollah had a Hindu wing. We bombed the dairy farm to keep those towel-head babies from developing strong bones after we kill all of their mothers. We have no beef with Hinduism or its practitioners, excuse the pun (God, I’m fucking witty),’ said Ira Kleinsteinwitz, representative of the Israeli Government.

’I don’t get it, Dudestoyevski,’ said Nibodh, ‘Everyone keeps focusing on Iran’s links with Hezbollah. Yet your prestigious, well-renowned, genius news source is the only site covering our story. I don’t know much, Broseph, but it seems that people should be more concerned with the fact that we have ties to India. They’ve agreed to supply us with whatever means we need to protect the sacred cows.’ He conducted the whole interview in the lotus position.

NRDC estimates that India has 30-35 nuclear warheads and enough weapons grade plutonium to create 50-90 more.



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