Tortured Man The Artist Behind Stadium Rally Music

ST. PETERSBURG, FL – The driving force behind the random, three-note rally music riffs played at baseball games at Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg, Florida, is not simply a button on a control panel as once believed – in reality, it is Abner McVeigh, a tortured old man who is chained to a cathedral sized medieval organ, buried within the farthest, tucked away corner of the stadium’s basement.

McVeigh spends his late spring and summer nights striving to come up with new, three-note patterns to play during games, as a trio of Slavic slave drivers whip his flesh-stripped torso with a collection of whips and other various torture devices. The pianist-turned-slave is a Julliard trained musician who fell out of the music scene in 1957 on the set of West Side Story, following a physical altercation and an alleged assassination attempt of mentor Leonard Bernstein. Since his fallout, he has been shipped and traded from organization to organization, finally settling in the basement of Tropicana Field with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. He plays his songs in ongoing anguish – constantly being whipped as he is forced to play his medieval organ while naked, and is fed a sludge-like, snotty substance from a five-gallon vomit container. The only thing that keeps him going is an unbridled and unmatched love for his art.

“I been here since the beginin’,” McVeigh told correspondent Arthur Rocks between whipping sessions. “The treatment here ain’t roses and pig-slop, but at least I ain’t gotta to sleep in the outhouse, rollin’ about in Doberman shit.” McVeigh has, apparently, been all over the world, playing his artistically rich and fresh three-note songs for organizations like the New York Yankees, the Edmonton Oilers, and the Dallas Cowboys.

“Ole’ Steinbrenner used to make me practice in 24 hour shifts. If I missed a note, or if my song sounded too similar to a previous one, he made me give hickeys to the janitors as I licked the shit off Danny Tartabull’s butthole.”

Aside from McVeigh’s tortured and broken mental state, his exterior shows evident and aching signs of the decades of torment he has endured. His fingers are worn down to bloody, boney nubs from constant playing, and his body is cloaked in massive scars from the frequent, violent whippings that repeatedly peel strips of flesh off his body. He lacks male genetalia (allegedly following an outburst with Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis), and his entire body bares one large and continuous wound, with no remnant of skin left remaining.

Aside from his torment, McVeigh is highly revered in underground stadium music scenes, and is adored by the fans.

“I like those little songs,” one fan attending the Devil Rays game said last week. “I always felt the ones played here had a little more of a tasteful artistry to them.”

“He really puts a lot into his work,” recording artist/pseudo celebrity Nick Lachey said to correspondent Porcious Crank. “There are so few of us out there, nowadays, that really care that much about our music. Abner is a true visionary, and a huge inspiration to me.”

Hopefully, McVeigh’s body can continue to endure the intense, brutal torture as he attempts to channel his extraordinary music ability through his broken, carved away fingers – and is able to give his gift to all of the sports fans who may happen to experience his incomparable, insightful brilliance.



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