Scale WTC Model To Be Destroyed


EAST ALTON, IL – With the NHL’s Stanley Cup Finals’ dismal ratings, reaching 0.3% of the viewing market, the Outdoor Life Network is being forced to result to flagrant sensationalism in an attempt to regain some market share. After being criticized for airing blatantly indoor activities such as arena football and pool tournaments, OLN announced today that it was going a step further.

In a press conference Wednesday, Travis Bunion, OLN’s Executive Programming Director, announced plans to air David Blaine’s next publicity stunt. Blaine, who is rumored to suffer from mild brain damage after his last feat of endurance, holding his breath for seven minutes and eight seconds, has recently become a vocal supporter of the so called “World Trade Center Bomb Theory”. He has allied himself with Reginald Goldstein of Burlington, Vermont, who, inspired by the movie, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, has begun building a scale replica of the World Trade Center buildings out of twigs, mash potatoes, and mud. Blaine plans on telepathically flying scale model airplanes into the hardened mashed potatoes and twigs after levitating for ten hours while masturbating constantly to reruns of The Golden Girls, proving that the World Trade Center buildings could not have fallen on their own and he has finally gone insane.

In an exclusive interview with LushForLife.com‘s own Arthur Rocks, Goldstein elaborated on the bomb theory and his plans for the scale replica saying, “You see, when my special mix of mashed potatoes, mud, and twigs hardens, it should have exact to scale load bearing capabilities of the steel frame and walls of the World Trade Center buildings. You see, there is no way that these buildings collapsed as a result of the jumbo jets loaded with fuel that crashed into them, but rather the government, in the first stages in an attempt to take over the world, loaded the two WTC towers with explosives. It was orchestrated from top to bottom by the Project for the New American Century. Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld blew up the World Trade Center because they needed positive poll numbers to invade Iraq, and they hate Jews.”

In an attempt to reach Blaine for comment, staff writer and on-site reporter Danny Albertson was given the finger while Blaine raced off in his Ferrari blaring the song, Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy.

OLN spokesperson Diane Spruce defended OLN’s plans to air the spectacle saying in a phone interview, “We realize that here at OLN we are expected to air exclusively outdoor activities, but much like MTV who no longer plays music videos, we feel we must diversify to maintain a higher market share and ensure that rural peoples the world over have access to almost constant access to the poignant programming, such as hunting and fishing programs and rodeo that they have grown to depend on.”

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