ST. PETERSBURG, FL – The driving force behind the random, three-note rally music riffs played at baseball games at Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg, Florida, is not simply a button on a control panel as once believed – in reality, it is Abner McVeigh, a tortured old man who is chained to a cathedral sized medieval organ, buried within the farthest, tucked away corner of the stadium’s basement. Continue Reading

EAST ALTON, IL – With the NHL’s Stanley Cup Finals’ dismal ratings, reaching 0.3% of the viewing market, the Outdoor Life Network is being forced to result to flagrant sensationalism in an attempt to regain some market share. After being criticized for airing blatantly indoor activities such as arena football and pool tournaments, OLN announced today that it was going a step further. Continue Reading

TAMPA – Because of a class action suit filed on Tuesday, the Internet’s premiere home of wit, wisdom, satire, and parody, LushForLife.com, is in danger of being wiped off the face of the planet, as multi-national corporate conglomerates, in conjunction with the White House and several elite sects of Afghani terrorists and ex-KGB officials, have alleged that the site has leaked valuable classified information regarding the existence of a multiverse, a vast collection of universes, making humankind and human achievement just that much more insignificant. Continue Reading

NORFOLK, VA – Creation science looks to move from the category of alleged “meta-science” to full-fledged science, this week, with the release of a series of profound studies. In a lecture at Liberty University entitled The One, Well Documented, Objective, Truly Legitimate View of the Beginning of Time, Dr. Walt Brown, MIT graduate and author of In the Beginning: Compelling Evidence for the Creation and the Flood, released conclusive evidence supporting his controversial theory that the “Red Tide” phenomenon is, in fact, Mother Nature’s menstrual cycle. Continue Reading

DALLAS – Another seven months of painfully pointless professional basketball has finally reached its grand finale – as we, the watchers of this ongoing spectacle, crack our knuckles, pop our joints, and bust our skulls while we line up along the trough; loading up on cheap swill, greasy treats, and various other substances, attempting to endure the struggle that is trying to watch the NBA. Continue Reading

I’m more and more convinced that Big Pharma is in league with the TV networks to ensnare America into its maw.

I was discussing this with my friend, Juan, on Saturday. Continue Reading

TAMPA – Local homeless man Darryl “Divine” Marcum, who comfortably resides under a blue plastic tarp beneath the overpass of Fletcher Avenue and I-275, claims to have unforeseen powers of prognostication that would rival even the great Nostradamus himself. Continue Reading

Capricorn: Take it easy this month. Things that come easy to you will suddenly become more difficult. To relax, you will spend your time watching TV. Some of your favorite shows will include: Leave it to Beaver, Peyton Place, Dynasty, and The Andy Griffith Show.

You share your sign with J. D. Salinger.

Aquarius: You will become very involved in your work and/or hobbies this month; so much that it becomes an obsession. You will begin to talk incessantly about hunting birds and about pine nuts, peanuts, and pistachio nuts.

You share your sign with Christopher Guest.

Pisces: Get your White Sox on! Baseball will be your new best friend this month. You will yell and scream, and hopefully not get kicked out of the baseball game. You will also have to ask yourself, ‘Would you eat the moon if it were made out of ribs?’

You share your sign with Harry Caray.

Aries: You return to your simple cracker barrel roots when you develop a crush on a braided blonde country girl, so get out your moonshine and swill, because you’ve got a date with a deaf, dumb, and blind hillbilly.

You share your sign with Buddy Ebsen.

Taurus: No matter what happens to you this month, keep it funky and plead no contest.

You share your sign with James Brown.

Gemini: Like in Monopoly, sometimes you just got to go to jail. You befriend a white banker, play some harmonica, see Rita Hayworth films, and live out the rest of your days on the beach in Mexico. The only catch is, your job is to narrate for the rest of your life.

You share your sign with Morgan Freeman.

Cancer: Your testicles will finally drop. Congratulations! This is good news, of course, for all of you post-pubescent boys. Bad news for you, sister!

You share your sign with Allen Ginsberg.

Leo: Sorry, you die this month in a horrible accident on the autotrain. Guess you should have driven, lazyass!

You share your sign with George ‘Dubya’ Bush.

Virgo: You will finally get that settlement you have been waiting for. Though it will be worth millions of dollars, you will bet it all on 13 Black at the roulette wheel in a cheesy reservation casino. You will lose and then be beaten by a mob of angry Native Americans after you insult them with ridicule of their fine sovereign lands.

You share your sign with Paul Harvey.

Libra: You will find out that you are adopted, and that your real mother has a rare type of diabetes that is passed down to the first-born child (you) in 99 percent of cases, and the mortality rate is zero.

You share you sign with Arthur Rimbaud.

Scorpio: You will do nothing at all this month, unless you consider sitting on your fat ass watching A-Team reruns something.

You share your sign with Joseph McCarthy.

Sagittarius: Lesbian albino rhinos will stampede your home, leaving you crippled and your cat with post-traumatic stress disorder. Your insurance company will confuse your claim with your kitty’s, and it will be denied.

You share your sign with Mary Todd Lincoln.

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA – As news organizations across the globe attempt to piece together a reason for North Korea’s sudden missile tests over the Sea of Japan, Tuesday, an anonymous source had leaked to LushForLife.com the real reason for Kim Jong-Il’s Independence Day temper tantrum.

According to our unnamed informant, Jong-Il lashed out in a fit of rage after getting his small, inept, Korean penis mangled in a bizarre accident after he decided to jam it into the garbage disposal on his kitchen sink.

Feeling impotent, hurt, and unloved, Jong-Il opted to turn to the nearest thing he could for love and affection. The drain in his kitchen sink had, in the past, proved to be that warm, affectionate piece of equipment he so desperately needed. This time, though, things went all wrong.

In an interview over satellite telephone, LushForLife.com correspondent Johnny Gonzales got the inside meat from one of Jong-Il’s servants, who asked to remain nameless.

’I was busy biting his wax tadpole,’ said the maid, ‘when I heard a shriek like a little old woman, or perhaps a jaguar. I ran to the kitchen, where the sound was coming from, and I saw him bent in half, backwards, like a broken stapler, and then he asked me to help him.’

Fifteen minutes later, Jong-Il is reported to have been on the line with his top military leaders, giving the launch codes for their test missiles, codenamed ‘Flabby Habby Pabbies’.

Much like any other small-penised man with delusions of grandeur, his plans fell short and the rockets fell into the Sea of Japan, though his real target, unrealistically, was the Space Needle in Seattle, Washington.

Not only is the city densely populated with Asian Americans, the Space Needle itself represents the larger-than-Korean-average penis size and virility of the average healthy American male.

Kim Jong-Il’s penis was saved, however, though it is mangled beyond recognition. The upside, of course, is that North Korea will now stop pouring so much into their useless nuclear weapons program, and is converting those funds into penis enlargement research and a scholarship program for aspiring plastic surgeons.

The latest plague ravaging the already slow internal hemorrhaging that is the Ebola-infected death of our culture has finally pushed me over the edge. Continue Reading