New Rules for 2010 World Cup


BERLIN, GERMANY – As the final few games of the 2006 FIFA World Cup finish up and we head into the “Round of 16 Elimination”, ESPN and ABC’s ratings are starting to trickle in, stunning the critics. Reaching between 2 and 3 percent of cable TV viewers in the US, the 2006 World Cup is proving that soccer may indeed have a future in America. Yet, despite the almost doubling of ratings from the last world cup, both FIFA (Fédération Internationale de Football Association) and the American sponsors of the tournament are still dissatisfied with the revenue they could be raking in from cash-fat yanks who are pissing away their greenbacks on trivialities such as baseball and basketball. In order to increase the popularity of the world’s most popular sport in the United States, Nike and Coca-Cola have teamed up with FIFA to make a few changes to the rules of the game.

I sat down with Rick Turoczy of the award-winning advertising firm, Diversity Corporation, over some drinks and blow to discuss some of the proposed changes that would make soccer more appealing to Americans:

Duncan Idaho: So, Rick, what can we look forward to for the 2010 FIFA World Cup hosted in Cape Town, South Africa?

Rick Turoczy: Well, Duncan, as you know, we are working closely with FIFA and a group of market research firms to find out exactly what makes American sports so much better than the gay sports of the rest of the world.

DI: Umm… ok. So, what did you find?

RT: We as Americans, I have found, are a commercialized people. Watching a sport that doesn’t stop for commercial breaks make us feel uncomfortable about how shallow and over-commercialized our society has become. Let me just point out how difficult it is to sell a $200 pair of Nike shoes when your customer is already feeling guilty. Ad breaks also give obese beer-fed sports fans a chance to get some more chips, grab another Bud, and hit up the restroom between plays. So, first thing’s first: we’re going to introduce a number of breaks to each half for adverts.

DI: Wow… I’m sure that will be popular. Any other ideas?

RT: Oh, yes! We have tons! We plan on increasing the size of the goals to get the scoring up to [American] football and basketball standards; we’re going to get the guys to wear tighter uniforms – American women love soccer players. We’re also going to introduce massively elaborate halftime shows, all of them staring old, washed-up musicians and have hundreds of cheerleaders forming intricate corporate logos with their bodies.

Another must-have is more statistics. Americans need sports stats to memorize and soccer is more about passion and life and other nonsense – we’ll have stats for everything! And finally, we’re going to pay to get the best players in the world to move to the US and take on citizenship so we can win. Americans can only get into something that they’re the best at – face it: no one like a loser.

DI: You don’t feel like you’re going to anger or alienate existing soccer fans by changing the format of what some feel is more of a religion than a game?

RT: Look, my friend… Did you know that I only have one Ferrari? The heads of the top three marking firms in this country all have at least two! And this sweatshop business is really putting a damper on the execs over at Nike’s paychecks too. We simply don’t see how it’s fair, anymore, that those greasy European marking fags get all the play.

DI: Thanks for sitting down with me today, Rick. I appreciate it. I do, however, have some advice to pass on to you: Never, ever, ever set foot in a soccer stadium in any continent other than North America unless you are interested in new and extremely painful ways to die. I’d even consider giving Antarctica a miss.

RT: No problem, Dunc! Where’s that?

Idiot

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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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