MySpace Idiocy Strikes America


The latest plague ravaging the already slow internal hemorrhaging that is the Ebola-infected death of our culture has finally pushed me over the edge. Myspace.com, that horribly designed, slow, poor example of programming that is the social networking site from hell, has reached epidemic proportions. Kids are spending hours a day ogling half naked profile pics, learning about clever ways to buy and hide drugs, and generally wasting their time on this piece of cyber-trash. Now, I don’t have a problem with how your kids are slipping into degeneracy, but the problem is that I’m getting hooked, too, and it’s beginning to cut into my other addictions: Lost, House, MD, 24, and drug usage and chronic alcoholism take a lot of time; time that MySpace is now cutting into.

What’s worse is how fucking pathetic the people who splatter their pointless profiles all over the network like freshly splattered diarrhea. Artfully taken PhotoShop edited photos, glamour lighting, and plain old fake pictures adorn these delusional miscreant’s sites like a pig shitting pearls. If you’ve put up a photo hoping to attract a blind, retarded, sexual deviant, you’re on the right track – other than that, you’re just pissing me off. Also, these freaking pictures with ten people in their photos (which one are you asshole?), or pictures of their cats… What the hell is wrong with you? We don’t care about your cat. We barely even care about you, now we have to look at your stupid pets or be misled by your cute friend? If you’re too bleeding ugly to stick a picture of yourself up on a “friends site,” then why the hell did you join up in the first place? If they really were your friends, which they’re not, they would know what you look like already. Not that that means anything; look at my terrible pictures for god’s sake. But I’m just trying to be cooler than I am.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I spend hours perusing the site, looking at girls with their hands over their breasts, but hiding your tits and your phone number is just bad form! Another thing: These people’s profiles and friends lists that have 1,654 people in them. I am sick and tired of having people like “Rob Johnson” and “Barquin D’an” in my friends list. They just clutter up the network and make it more difficult for the rest of us to get to the artistically covered nipples and studio lit asses.

Finally, as a web designer, what really make me spit bile and kill stray parakeets in rage are people who have backgrounds that are black, have anything moving on them, or even worse, have black and pink flashing stars as their background. These evolutionary exceptions who would make Darwin roll in his grave should be dragged into the street and be trampled to death by the foot traffic of soccer moms hitting up a Sears white sale. Stop it before I find you and dismember you with a rusty cheese grater.

Parents: want to know where your children are? – They’re on MySpace, masturbating to half naked girls, getting picked up by pedophiles, and reading my blog on the best way to prepare a bong. Come to think about it, I’m going to create a fake profile of a massively breasted, Anime-league unrealistic woman with 20,000 friends, and begin luring your useless offspring to my cheese grater torture chamber. Good night.

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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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