LushForLife.com Sued!


TAMPA – Because of a class action suit filed on Tuesday, the Internet’s premiere home of wit, wisdom, satire, and parody, LushForLife.com, is in danger of being wiped off the face of the planet, as multi-national corporate conglomerates, in conjunction with the White House and several elite sects of Afghani terrorists and ex-KGB officials, have alleged that the site has leaked valuable classified information regarding the existence of a multiverse, a vast collection of universes, making humankind and human achievement just that much more insignificant.

In an article published in LushForLife.com‘s Special Edition, last summer, Dr. James Whittington revealed to reporter Arthur Rocks the existence of a “universe” much larger than was previously conceived. The article has since been deleted from public record, and the staff of LushForLife.com has been threatened with arrest if any portion of the article is reprinted. Our computers were confiscated and thoroughly searched, resulting in the arrest of no less than five staff writers; four for the possession of child pornography, and one for embezzling $13 million from the US government.

We at LushForLife.com, however, give the proverbial finger to the threats, naturally, and hereby sign our own death warrants, as there are, no doubt, snipers waiting on the rooftops of the adjacent buildings, listening for word from George “Dubya” Bush’s secret Freemason Bosses to pull the trigger. Here is a partial transcript, including the information that we are being sued over, of Rocks’ conversation with Dr. Whittington:

Arthur Rocks: Dr. Whittington. Is there an existence of a multiverse, with the universe that we exist in being a part of a much larger group of universes, each with their own potential for life and intelligence?

Dr. James Whittington: Yes.

The White House, in particular, alleges that this knowledge is dangerous to the US, as it encourages irrational behavior, such as the idea of “thinking outside of the box” and “making up your mind for yourself”, as well as spreading thinner the likelihood of the existence of one true and almighty God. Also, the US has been encouraging the rumor that the entire known universe is roughly three-thousand miles wide, stretching from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean, with everything else ever known being only a figment of a madman’s imagination, including 9/11, the bombing of Pearl Harbor, the Holocaust, Mad Cow disease, and AIDS. That madman, specifically, is propagandist Michael Moore.

Similarly, the Afghani terrorists concur with the US, asserting that most atrocities to mankind never happened, except that little skirmish between Afghanistan and Russia, which the Afghanis are still a little peeved about. They are happy to admit, along with top US officials, that the September 11th bombings of the World Trade Center never actually happened, but was rather a scheduled demolition horribly blown out of proportion.

The ex-KGB officials, of course, are just along for the ride, offering a threatening aid to the US’ spookmeisters, getting drunk on pure potato vodka and scaring the staff’s children at night by whispering Russian nursery rhymes outside of their bedroom windows.

Of the hundreds of corporations along in the suit, the most menacing include Exxon, RJ Reynolds, and, of course, Ray Croc Enterprises. RCE, specifically, has been sending the Senior Staff at LushForLife.com coupons for free Big Macs daily, in an obvious attempt to clog our arteries and kill us off the easy way. A deposition has been discovered by Porcious Crank, of LushForLife.com, implicating that a threatening email signed by one “Ronald McDonald” was actually composed by RCE CEO Kris Kristofferson, filling in for the ailing Jim Skinner.

RJ Reynolds, however, has not been sending us free cigarettes to rot out our lungs, surprisingly, but has been instead sending Hallmark greeting cards wishing us health, wealth, and good fortune, driving our team of top investigators insane with anticipation of what the actual driving force behind their scheme is.

Exxon has guerilla operatives in the ditch in front of our office buildings, forcing us to arm ourselves to the teeth with automatic assault rifles and hand grenades, making each trip to and from work so life-threatening that our regular staff meetings have dwindled from fifty or so reporters per week to a measly three. Senior Writer Danny Albertson has been emailing his stories from home, as he is unable to attend regular meetings as result of a guerilla assassin shooting him in the face. The wound was not life threatening, but has limited the use of his legs.

Johnny Iglesia Gonzales, whilst on return trip from Malaysia, was informed en route, and was forced to return to that God forsaken country to keep his head firmly attached to his shoulders. He has reported via text messages, however, the presence of some suspicious characters onboard, all with suspiciously unmarked boxes wrapped in plain brown paper aboard the craft.

Duncan Idaho has been missing for two weeks, and the police won’t accept any missing persons forms without them being signed in triplicate by Mr. Idaho, himself. Governmental bureaucracy seems to have thwarted us once again.

Writers Edward Payne and Gale Force have turned against us, and have become government witnesses, according to an inside source.

Former LushForLife.com writer James Avalon has escaped all forms of retribution by skipping the country to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a female recording artist after a quickie sex change in Mexico, and is now on his first world tour, opening for Madonna.

In the meantime, any reports coming to you will literally be paid for in blood, sweat, and tears, and is being transcribed via satellite telephone by our half-dozen remaining trained chimps. Peace be with you all; amen.

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Dr. Egbert Sousé is a columnist and the Senior Editor for Lush For Life.Born and raised in the rural Deep South, Dr. Sousé attended University of Vanderbilt, where he received his Bachelor's Degree in Mass Media, then going on to Georgetown for his Master's, and eventually graduating from Brown University with a Doctorate Degree in English, where he studied under the highly respected writer and journalist Dr. Leonard Epstein.Dr. Sousé has written articles for a variety of publications, including Newsweek, Time, and The Boston Globe.When not working, Dr. Sousé enjoys spending his leisure time at the local horse tracks, where he places two dollar bets and attempts to make contact with extra-terrestrial life.He currently lives in Tampa, Florida, and during the summer months he resides at his remote villa in Key West, Florida, where he enjoys drinking home-made Absinthe while he continues to complete his Great American Novel.

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