Local Homeless Man Rivals Nostradamus

TAMPA – Local homeless man Darryl “Divine” Marcum, who comfortably resides under a blue plastic tarp beneath the overpass of Fletcher Avenue and I-275, claims to have unforeseen powers of prognostication that would rival even the great Nostradamus himself. Marcum, 43, has been an active member of the vagrant community since losing his job as a line cook at the Waffle House in 1987 for allegedly assaulting another male co-worker with a hot spatula. Marcum, who refers to himself as “Divine” after the infamous hooker Divine Brown who fellated actor Hugh Grant in 1995, claims that he can foretell the future through a device that he constructed from various items that he foraged from several local dumpsters behind major corporate restaurant chains.

The device, which Marcum aptly calls his “fuckin’ future tellin’ hat”, is actually a modified colander dish that Marcum fished out of the back dumpster at Macaroni Grill. Marcum claims that he receives messages from God through a retractable radio antenna that he soldered to the back of the dish with a Bic lighter, and that the almighty speaks to him exclusively on almost a daily basis.

“He tells me all kinds of shit, man,” explains Marcum in a thick southern drawl between puffs of his Winston 100s. “Mostly, he speaks to me about the Armageddon, but, sometimes, he tells me what color panties some of them ladies are wearing under their fancy business suits.”

When asked to elaborate on the details of the Armageddon, Marcum maintains that God told him there would be a zombie holocaust. “Zombie creatures will emerge from the bowels of hell and resonate on the roof of the Days Inn off East Fletcher Avenue carrying Jesus the Christ on their shoulders. Then, Jesus will fire a nuclear warhead packed with Bisquick and Holy Water off of a rocket launcher and cause a nuclear winter to occur. Everyone will die.” Marcum claims that the function of the powdered pancake mix being packed into the oversized warhead is to blanket the sky with an impenetrable powdered fog. This will prevent the sunlight from pouring through so that the zombies will not melt before they can devour the flesh and livers of all the Earth’s human and animal population.

According to Marcum, this day of Armageddon will fall on Monday, July 3, 2006. Marcum is scheduled to appear on the Oprah show the day before, where he will discuss the end of the world in further detail and then join special musical guest Avril Lavigne for a special apocalyptic rendition of her smash hit, “Sk8tr Boi”.

[Guest Writer Lucy Von Gina is a regular contributor to LushForLife.com and can usually be found at local dives, drowning her sorrows and pain from a botched liposuction performed in an alley in Cairo, Egypt. –ed.]

This article was submitted to LushForLife.com by guest writer Lucy Von Gina.




No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro


This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]