Kim Jong-Il Gets Penis Stuck In Garbage Disposal

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA – As news organizations across the globe attempt to piece together a reason for North Korea’s sudden missile tests over the Sea of Japan, Tuesday, an anonymous source had leaked to LushForLife.com the real reason for Kim Jong-Il’s Independence Day temper tantrum.

According to our unnamed informant, Jong-Il lashed out in a fit of rage after getting his small, inept, Korean penis mangled in a bizarre accident after he decided to jam it into the garbage disposal on his kitchen sink.

Feeling impotent, hurt, and unloved, Jong-Il opted to turn to the nearest thing he could for love and affection. The drain in his kitchen sink had, in the past, proved to be that warm, affectionate piece of equipment he so desperately needed. This time, though, things went all wrong.

In an interview over satellite telephone, LushForLife.com correspondent Johnny Gonzales got the inside meat from one of Jong-Il’s servants, who asked to remain nameless.

’I was busy biting his wax tadpole,’ said the maid, ‘when I heard a shriek like a little old woman, or perhaps a jaguar. I ran to the kitchen, where the sound was coming from, and I saw him bent in half, backwards, like a broken stapler, and then he asked me to help him.’

Fifteen minutes later, Jong-Il is reported to have been on the line with his top military leaders, giving the launch codes for their test missiles, codenamed ‘Flabby Habby Pabbies’.

Much like any other small-penised man with delusions of grandeur, his plans fell short and the rockets fell into the Sea of Japan, though his real target, unrealistically, was the Space Needle in Seattle, Washington.

Not only is the city densely populated with Asian Americans, the Space Needle itself represents the larger-than-Korean-average penis size and virility of the average healthy American male.

Kim Jong-Il’s penis was saved, however, though it is mangled beyond recognition. The upside, of course, is that North Korea will now stop pouring so much into their useless nuclear weapons program, and is converting those funds into penis enlargement research and a scholarship program for aspiring plastic surgeons.

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