Florida Gator Attacks Linked To Douchebagism


LUTZ, FL – In the ongoing media feeding frenzy that is the latest sensationalized sub-par journalistic pig’s vomit, alligators are this season’s avian-flu, with bags and shoes to match. The continuous flow of dangers described to us by an obviously concerned, albeit psychotic media, have started to sound weak, even to the most paranoid press-passer. Avian influenza hasn’t affected ONE person worldwide, there haven’t been any shark attacks for months, and terrorism is getting extremely boring. Even hurricanes are expected to be weaker this year… Time to invent yet another pointless, insanely idiotic front page story about something else trying to eat us.

Fortunately for the mainstream media, Florida is filled with morons who are able to get themselves into situations that otherwise normal human beings could never even imagine being idiotic enough to stumble into. For those of you have seen an alligator, please try and put yourself in the following situation:

You see a large, meat-eating creature, sunning itself on the banks of the pond that lines your Florida-style, cookie-cutter neighborhood, peacefully sleeping. What do you do?

You hit it with a stick, right? NO! Of course not! You would have to be both an idiot and an asshole (a combination found far too frequently in central Florida) to even consider such a ludicrous exploit. That, however, is how Doreen “Dipshit” Langer died, late Sunday morning. Friends told LushForLife.com reporter Arthur Rocks that Doreen made the best deep-fried Oreos in town and was always the center of the party when she went off on one of her famous “Let me tell you how much I hate Niggers and Jews” rants. She will, apparently, be sorely missed.

Pastor Earl P. Richards, of Lutz’s 3rd Baptist Church, was also savagely torn to shreds by razor sharp incisors earlier in the week. Pastor Richards was an upstanding member of the community and a well-respected fighter for the protection of marriage and the right for people outside of abortion clinics to throw stones. Early Thursday afternoon, after getting drunk on Pabst Blue Ribbon and slapping his wife around, the good Pastor decided to prove the strength of the Holy Spirit to his friend, Joey “Big Man” Dunkle, by sitting on the back of the alligator who resided in the local retention pond. When I informed my editor of the tragic circumstances surrounding the demise of this good man by that vicious monster, he simply responded, “Good.” Editors are notorious for have no feelings for other people, whatsoever.

These creatures are clearly a menace to you, your pets, and your children, so; should you see one, call 911 immediately. When the police tell you that alligators are harmless unless provoked, be verbally abusive, hang up and call your ten closest friends and family members who own firearms (most likely, all of them will) and go remove the snakelike beast from this world. They’re not paying homeowner’s fees, and have no right to live.

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Dr. Egbert Sousé is a columnist and the Senior Editor for Lush For Life.Born and raised in the rural Deep South, Dr. Sousé attended University of Vanderbilt, where he received his Bachelor's Degree in Mass Media, then going on to Georgetown for his Master's, and eventually graduating from Brown University with a Doctorate Degree in English, where he studied under the highly respected writer and journalist Dr. Leonard Epstein.Dr. Sousé has written articles for a variety of publications, including Newsweek, Time, and The Boston Globe.When not working, Dr. Sousé enjoys spending his leisure time at the local horse tracks, where he places two dollar bets and attempts to make contact with extra-terrestrial life.He currently lives in Tampa, Florida, and during the summer months he resides at his remote villa in Key West, Florida, where he enjoys drinking home-made Absinthe while he continues to complete his Great American Novel.

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