Bush Visits Baghdad Without Incident


BUTTE, MT – In a joint press conference held on Thursday by the heads of a plethora of terrorist groups, the subject arose of President Bush’s recent Baghdad visit and their renewed vow of solidarity in the complete hatred of the United States and its people.

The Conference featured representatives from Abu Nidal Organization, Abu Sayyaf Group, al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, Ansar al-Islam, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Armed Islamic Group, Asbat al-Ansar, Aum Shinrikyo, Gama’a al-Islamiyya, HAMAS, Harakat ul-Mujahidin, al-Qa’ida, Palestinian Islamic Jihad, Palestine Liberation Front, Mujahedin-e Khalq Organization, The LA Dodgers, Moroccan Islamic Combatant Group, Lashkar-e Tayyiba, and al-Jihad.

Keynote speaker Jim bin Laden announced that there would be no attempts on the President’s life, saying, “The sinister Mr. Bush was right. We do not hate the American people for their economic imperialism or their unfaltering support of the terrorist, Israeli state. Rather, we hate the American people for their freedom. As such, we have agreed that there shall never be an attempt on the life of Mr. Bush while he is president.”

LushForLife.com‘s White House correspondent Duncan Idaho flew into the beltway in his private jet, Thursday, to record the President’s reaction in person.

“Now, I ‘preciate what they’re trying to do down there in the Middle East,” said Bush. “Jim is my old Stanford roomy and chum. He was supposed to help me manage the team when I owned the Rangers, but we fell out over a gram of coke he said I snorted off his mother’s ass. He took it sorta hard and turned to Allah. Much like me, he wanted to become right with the Lord. “

Harold Fink, waiter at the Butte Convention Center, described the event itself saying, “Man, them oil guys, they sure do tip good. Man, did you see them renew their vows, that were a beautiful ceremony. They didn’t crush any glasses, but I yelled ‘mazeltov’ any way.”

Former presidential candidate turned hippy crusader Al Gore was interviewed on the red carpet at the premier of his new film, An Inconvenient Truth, by staff writer Danny Albertson on Saturday.

“They really do hate us,” said Gore. “I realized they had a mild distaste with the whole 9/11 thing, but I had no idea the width and breadth of their hatred for our country. That they would suffer another day with this polluting, non-environmentally-friendly regime for another day, thus bringing the world one step closer to destruction, is mind-boggling.

Unfortunately, after an exhaustive search employing four Cray xt3 super-computers and thousands of man hours, the only two people that could be found that care about what Al Gore says are Mos Def and Graham Schneider, a Mass Communications major at Texas Tech.

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