Bullshit Levels At All Time High


TAMPA – A surprising study published by the World Health Organization (WHO… not the rock band) has rocketed a new issue above global warming, terrorism, and avian-flu: bullshit. In a press release given by the Center for Disease Control early Monday morning, it was stated that the massive quantities of bullshit being produced in the United States has reached dangerously high levels, and a level 3 biohazard warning has been issued for much of the continental United States.

The study was conducted by Dr. Hans Grooble, of the WHO’s Department of Worldwide Evolving Excreting Bullshit Studies. “Many countries are suffering from dangerously high levels of bullshit, crap, and, in some extreme cases, bologna, but I have never seen anything like the readings we’re getting from America,” Dr. Grooble told LushForLife.com’s up and coming reporting superstar, Porcious Crank, in a telephone interview. “If levels get any higher, intelligent citizens of the US will be choked out by the rising stench and societal sickness, similar to what happened a few years back in Nigeria when the entire economy was based on email scams.”

The problem, according to the study, has been a long time coming. America, it seems, has moved further away from being an industrial, agricultural, and technological based economy, and has switched to one almost completely bullshit based. Marketing which, for years, economists have referred to as “utter bullshit”, accounts for a staggering 21% of all bullshit produced in the US. The rest of the bullshit pie is made up of politics (20%), Big Oil (13%), Hollywood (11%), auto dealer service departments (10%), the mainstream press (10%), and fake news websites (2%). The remaining 13% is, surprisingly, completely accounted for by the Bush family and their close friends.

The stunning results have prompted much concern amongst the few surviving members of American intelligencia and a couple of hippies who care about everything. The rising stench has led ex-Vice President and former Presidential candidate Al Gore to announce a new movie to address the matter of the rising level of toxic crap seeping through the country’s veins like a disgusting, seeping thing. The movie, An Inconvenient Crap, will be released in early 2007.

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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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