Safety Concerns Assume Control Of American Life

BENTONVILLE, AZ – Corporate executives at Wal-Mart Headquarters in Bentonville have released their business’s new approach to dealing with public safety for the upcoming business quarter. The growing concerns of the overall safety of customers shopping at Wal-Mart have, apparently, reached the point where something had to be done, according to Wal-Mart president and CEO H. Lee Scott.

“We believe our customers need to be safe,” Scott told correspondent Arthur Rocks. “People shopping at our establishments around the globe deserve every amenity possible to ensure both their safety, and the safety of their families, will remain in tact.”

Precautionary measures that will be taken by the world’s largest retailer include the padding of all walls and aisles in the store with Tempur-Pedic foam, mandatory foam-padded suits which must be applied before entering and will be worn while shopping throughout the store, the removal of all sporting goods from store stock, and personal safety assistants who will personally ensure the safety of shoppers from random possible disasters – including items which may happen to fly off the shelves, floor spills, shopping cart battles, and exposure to hazardous chemicals. Though the new safety plan may hamper the leisurely nature of shopping, Scott says that it is a sacrifice the company is willing to take.

“It’ll take some getting used to,’ Scott said, “but I think customers will be thankful for what we’re trying to accomplish.” When asked if the company believes that all of the padding that will be installed on virtually everything in the store will get in the way of the products, and essentially slow sales, Scott responded, “We may have to cut back on how much we stock on our shelves. There needs to be room for the two-feet of Tempur-Pedic foam we’re installing.” Scott continues, “We don’t want customers reaching all over the shelves anymore, either. It’s simply too dangerous. A little girl could reach out for a Barbie doll, and the next thing you know, she’s slit her wrists on a little piece of metal sticking out of the shelf. Then a little girl is dead, and we have a massive lawsuit.”

With the tremendous incline of safety related lawsuits filed against businesses during the last twenty years, many other companies are following suit. Competing retailers like Target, Best Buy, Lowe’s, and Home Depot have all put into place some sort of extreme precautionary safety measures designed to minimize the possibility of future lawsuits.

“You just can’t be safe enough anymore,” CEO of Home Depot Bob Nardelli told correspondent Porcious Crank. “Not only will these precautions taken protect our company from lawsuits,” Nardelli said, “it will also keep people safe, as well. We’re expecting these precautions to be welcomed with open arms.”

Customers who frequently shop at these retailers offered to shed some light on how they perceive these changes. “It’s about time, I tell you,” Wal-Mart shopper and mother of five Laura Brandt told “I’ve been waiting for this kind of change for a long time,” she said, “and it’s not just me – my girlfriends, too.” Brandt went on to say to correspondent Rocks, “I had gotten to the point where I just didn’t go out anymore. Now with the kids, it’s just not safe anywhere. I’d like to see more companies do what Wal-Mart is doing.”

Upon further investigation, it appears that various shopping mall developers around the country are also taking notice. Some of the country’s largest developers, including Westfield, Simon, and Taubman, have all joined the safety bandwagon. Initial plans to ensure safety include a similar padding plan employed by Wal-Mart, as well as the removal of all children’s recreational areas. The malls are even going one step further, as told by one executive to

“We are going a little further than our competitors,” The Taubman Company CEO Al Kemper told Porcious Crank. “We plan on removing mall greeters, customer service and concierge desks and installing representatives at every mall entrance with extensive paperwork for customers to sign.” Kemper went on in further detail, “Any person who wishes to enter our establishment will be required to sign and initial various legal forms and documents, which will absolve The Taubman Company from any and all legal responsibility for the safety of the customer while located in various stores in or on Taubman property. There will be a notary public present, and customers are encouraged to have an attorney with them.” As a closing statement, Kemper said, “Maybe now, we will all be one-hundred percent safe from each other.”

It’s a dangerous world out there, apparently. Enter and proceed at your own risk.



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