Ron Howard’s Life Mission Exposed


CANNES, FRANCE – The red carpet was rolled out, the champagne bottles popped, the tuxedos came off the racks, and a Catholic nun recited the rosary and prayed on the steps of the theater. The Da Vinci Code premiered and started its march around the world, Wednesday, to the cries and protests of good Christians everywhere. But as self-righteous hypocrites all around the planet whine about fiction versus faith, the director renewing this pathetic uproar is still dissatisfied by the number of people pissed off. Ron Howard, famous for annoying secular moviegoers with films like Parenthood, Backdraft, and How the Grinch Stole Christmas, has become obsessed with angering spiritual film fans of all denominations.

“Christians are just the tip of the iceberg,” said Howard, clutching his souvenir academy award. “I hate religion, it turns people away from the real world, focuses their admiration on the spiritual, and means less time for people to appreciate my movies.” Howard, who was foaming slightly at the mouth by this point continued, “I will show the world! I will devalue every religion on the planet until they are all destroyed! HAHAHA!”

The clearly insane director’s plans were released at the press junket for The Da Vinci Code’s premier, and appear to be the usual Hollywood sequel rubbish. Howard’s next film, East of Eden, will retell the story of Cain and Abel, with homosexual overtones and set in California (where else do homosexuals live?) and will be sure to offend even the most open-minded Christians (both of them). From there, Howard plans to revive Tom HankS’ abysmal role as Robert Langdon in The Qur’an Caper. Although the script and details remain sketchy, Hollywood insiders have told LushForLife.com that the story will focus on Langdon discovering that Mohammad was actually a lesbian woman with a goat fetish and the Qur’an is an intricate treasure map to the hidden gold she stole from pirates back in her merchant days around the year 600 AD. The film will include an Indiana Jones-style chase scene where Muslim extremists who know the truth about the gold chase Hanks and costar Keanu Reeves (who will play an Islamic pre-op transvestite and lounge singer) down the streets of Mecca in a tank while the intrepid twosome escape by throwing Muslim holy texts at street merchants to cause chaos.

The film is set to be released in early 2008 at the same time that Howard will retreat to his Californian compound where he will be guarded day and night by a small contingent of Mossad trained bodyguards and will begin work on his script, The Mormon Manuscript Diamond Heist.

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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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