Lush For Life

WASHINGTON – In the ongoing debate as to whether or not the United States goes to war with Iran in August or in January rages, questions have arisen as to how the greatest President since James Buchanan plans to pay to give those lunatics a damn good thrashing.

WASHINGTON – President Bush was utterly mystified in the aftermath of cable TV comedian Stephen Colbert’s controversial White House Correspondents’ Dinner speech last week, according to both numerous White House sources and public remarks from the President himself.

NEW YORK – David Blaine, illusionist extraordinaire, wasted our time, yet again, as he senselessly submerged his hairy-ass body in a fishbowl of water for a week to be followed by his coup de grace of holding his breathe for an astounding eight minutes and fifty-eight seconds.

In a monthly periodical, you, the readers of LushForLife.com, can submit questions to Danny Albertson, and he will forward a handful of them to Brett Favre in their monthly sit down.   Danny Albertson: A lot has happened since the last time we spoke, buddy.

There is an old joke. How do you know the British Airways flight has landed? They turned off the engines, but you can still hear the whining.   Sorry – wrong nationality. Must be American Airways.

TAMPA – While on assignment at Tropicana Field in Tampa, Florida, covering the Tampa Bay Devil Rays v. Boston Red Sox baseball game for a local sports affiliate on Saturday, the entire senior writing staff of LushForLife.com were forcefully ejected following crude behavior, obnoxious outbursts, and overall drunken debauchery.

MINNEAPOLIS – A baker’s dozen of retards from the North Star state have collected enough funds from charity car washes and “I-Feel-Bad-For-You-Therefore-Yes-I Will-Buy-This-Suspicious-Looking-Cookie-Thingy” bake sales to purchase a majority share of the Nash Finch Company, mother company of smaller chains such as AVANZA Supermarkets, Econofoods Stores, and Sun Mart Foods Stores.

REDMOND, WA – In an announcement that shocked the technology sector today, the Garter research company predicted that Microsoft‘s revolutionary new upgrade to the Windows line of operating systems, Vista, might be delayed again.

BENTONVILLE, AZ – Corporate executives at Wal-Mart Headquarters in Bentonville have released their business’s new approach to dealing with public safety for the upcoming business quarter. The growing concerns of the overall safety of customers shopping at Wal-Mart have, apparently, reached the point where something had to be done, according to Wal-Mart president and CEO [...]

TAMPA – Offices are abuzz at LushForLife.com headquarters, as our trained monkeys have figured out how to program, and are off on new and exciting adventures in the digital realm.