NSA Restores Thousands Of Young Americans To Their Parents


WASHINGTON – Early yesterday, a group of young Americans was found. Lost, wet, starving, and terrified, they were restored to the loving arms of their anxious parents. The heroes of the moment? General Michael V. Hayden and his team at the National Security Agency.

This is only the latest in a whole string of rescues effected by the NSA, and parents all over the USA are writing to their Congress Persons, begging them to support domestic wire tapping so that America’s children can be safe.

The roots of the problem lay in the American education system, which has failed to teach young people where they are. Only thirty percent of Americans aged 18 to 24 can find New Jersey on a map and only fifty-one percent can find New York. This is the age at which young people often move away from home, and of course they often cannot find their way back.

Many of our young people run out of money after they have mislaid their homes, while they are wandering around the country like hurricane victims suffering hardship and distress. Fortunately, they often make telephone calls during this period, and the NSA is able to log the origin of the calls, establish a pattern of their movements, and track them down.

This is the first time that anyone has found an effective solution to this problem, which has devastated thousands of families, as they search for their vanished sons and daughters.

State and local authorities have been looking for answers, and FEMA has not been able to help them.

“The federal government has got a support role to play in rescuing these young people,” said Fran Townsend, President George W. Bush’s top homeland security adviser, “but there is not going to be a federal answer to the problem.”

Mrs. Candice B. DePlace contacted Lushforlife.com and implored us to support the NSA in their warrantless international wiretapping. “I am asking all major websites to support General Hayden,” Mrs. DePlace said. “My son, Oliver, disappeared while on an overseas college trip, and I know it is because he does not know how to find his way home. The NSA is my best hope.”

National Geographic confirmed Mrs. DePlace’s hypothesis with a survey released on May 2, 2006.

Despite blanket TV coverage, with about a trillion maps, only about one in seven (13 percent) Americans between the age of 18 and 24 can find Iraq.

Seventy percent cannot find Iran or Israel. Fifty-four percent do not know that the Sudan is a country in Africa. Three-quarters can’t find Indonesia, and also don’t have a clue that it is mainly Muslim (let alone the largest Muslim country in the world).

Mrs. DePlace also asked LushForLife.com to appeal for creative help to find her son, drifting rootless across the world.

We, therefore, request that Paris stay in one place for a while, so kids can get their bearings.

Come on, Ms. Hilton, do your bit for Oliver… and for America.

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