New Martial Arts Style Rocks The East


BEIJING, CHINA – The world famous Shaolin Temple unveiled to the world press, yesterday, that the venerable Head Abbot has discovered an ancient text that could be the ultimate force in martial arts. This style is so powerful, no other martial art has yet defeated the current Shaolin Champion who has been schooled in this new form. Incredibly, not one challenger has been able touch the undisputed master of the new form.

LushForLife.com hacked into a CIA slush fund in order pay for my first class ticket to China with Virgin Airways (advertising Virgin Airways gets me the flight home). LushForLife.com was able to get an interview with the Abbot two hours before he was due to enter a year of silent meditation (once again, thanks to Virgin Airways for getting me there on time). The Abbot introduced me to the new Shaolin Master of WIMPO, the style that is set to eclipse all others.

I begged the Abbot’s permission to challenge the WIMPO master. With my years of Ninja training in Japan, I thought I would be a fair opponent. Little did I realize how awesome was the power of WIMPO. After a moment’s contemplation of the butterfly that had fluttered through the window, I stepped into my Shadow Wolf style, ready for whatever devastating attack the master would unleash. Instead of the customary Buddha Yell or War Cry, my opponent’s knees began to shake, his lips ran aquiver. I knew this must be some ruse to catch me off guard, so I refocused my mind and prepared for the evade and strike combinations that were ingrained into my flesh and bones whilst training in Japan. But no attack came. I crouched in stance while looking in astonishment at my opponent, who was now crying like a baby with teething problems. After he wet his pants, the will to fight this loser left me. I stood up and thought about bowing, but this blubbering creature on the floor did not seem worthy of respect. I walked off in disgust.

“I told you that he was invincible,” said the Abbot. “He has perfected the art of submission to such a degree that no one can attack him. In many cases, the attacker will take pity on him, buy him a beer, and give him the money for a cab ride home.”

LushForLife.com can report that Shaolin are petitioning the Chinese Government to allow WIMPO to become the new Olympic sport that China will introduce at the next Olympic Games. As we were going to press, I received word that the first martial arts school of WIMPO is due to open in Tampa, USA, in a month’s time.

None of this would have been possible without the help of the C.I.A and Virgin Airways. Virgin Airways has the hottest airhostesses in the West; almost as hot as the girls on Air Japan (now that’s saying something). Thanks Richard Branson; you’re the best.

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