May Horoscopes


Aries: You are going to find the love of your life this month. But that doesn’t matter… Because of your nature to lose interest easily, you are going to be distracted by flashy objects and get so dizzy that you puke on her. You wanted to apologize, but you already lost interest and wandered over to the liquor store to bum a cigarette from a homeless guy.

You share your sign with Robin Williams

Taurus: You get a raise! Finally, your hard work is paying off. You know have it all. Now all you need is a Brillo pad to cuddle up with at night.

You share your sign with Jack Nicholson.

Gemini: Your mother stops breast-feeding you this month. And in other good news, you learn to do the tango with lessons from a transvestite addicted to crack. Plan your money wisely, for the stars predict unexpected psychologist bills in your near future.

You share your sign with Marilyn Monroe.

Cancer: Keep a watchful eye out this month. You might get hit by a truck.

You share your sign with Princess Diana.

Leo: The universe urges you to tackle the problems in your life this month. But you’re such a coward you tackle the sand. You get your head stuck in the ground and need to the fire department to bail you out.

You share you sign with Patrick Swayze.

Virgo: You are going to experience a lot of change this month. Relationships are going to evolve and shift. This is all brought about because you realize that you are gay and your need to come out of the closet. Even better news is you win the lottery the third week of the month.

You share your sign with Elton John.

Libra: You like to do things your way, and you are very stubborn in doing anything other than what you want to do. This month you will develop bed sores and gout from being too stubborn to leave your bed for anything but a drink.

You share your sign with Al Pacino (Hoo-ahh!).

Capricorn: Try to conserve your energy and drink a lot of water. There is a high chance of getting sick this month, for you might walk into a bizarre restaurant and eat delicious food just to be told when you get the bill that it was sheep balls.

You share your sign with Steven Soderberg and Cary Grant.

Aquarius: This month you are going to go on an adventure to Amsterdam. There you will experience psychedelic hash and absinth. This will be the time of your life.

You share your sign with Lee Marvin.

Pisces: You are naturally a genius. You take some acid and get lost is your world of highbrow topics and land of grandeur. Unfortunately, you never snap out of it and live the rest of your days in a mental institution. On the upside, you ‘meet’ Pinocchio and travel with him on a magical mystery tour. This makes your day.

You share your sign with Albert Einstein and Joseph Stalin.

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