Staff Kicked Out Of Tropicana Field

TAMPA – While on assignment at Tropicana Field in Tampa, Florida, covering the Tampa Bay Devil Rays v. Boston Red Sox baseball game for a local sports affiliate on Saturday, the entire senior writing staff of were forcefully ejected following crude behavior, obnoxious outbursts, and overall drunken debauchery.

While attending the game, senior writer Egbert Souse engaged in seemingly friendly conversation with a fellow journalist from the Boston Globe while watching the action in the press box. After consuming a number of screwdrivers and other forms of swill, which Souse made from his trusty and plentiful cargo-pocket stock of Mr. Boston vodka (ironically, but it’s terrible, so it makes sense I guess) and the plethora of Tropicana orange juice which the concessions will never run out of, Souse began ranting in a drunken wail his disdain for Red Sox starting pitcher Curt Schilling. As the conversation became more heated, this journalist attempted to intervene before any real trouble started. Unfortunately, the conversation was unable to be diffused, and I found myself foaming at the mouth with a broken beer bottle in my grasp, waiting for someone to make a move. As the Boston Press began to attack, our colleague Duncan Idaho tripped one of them (with his wide array of judo techniques) and proceeded to mace the remainder of them who still had some fight left. Before security arrived to remove us from the press box, I jammed my beer bottle into the circuit breaker, which killed the power in the box, and allowed us to make a brisk getaway.

Since we didn’t have any real tickets, we snuck our way into the 100 section of the stands – a real nice place to sit, drink, watch a game, and be obnoxious to all the visiting team faggot fans who always seem to take over our illustrious Tropicana Field whenever they come to town. I guess it’s expected to happen when you’re a fan of a team who has finished at the bottom of the American League East all but one year of the team’s existence. The real problem both myself and my colleagues have with these fans, especially Boston and New York fans, is that they are not from these towns they pull for – they are fellow Tampa, St. Petersburg, or greater Tampa Bay area residents just like we are, yet they come only a hop, skip, and a jump down I-275 to pull for the favorites as they watch their home team fall short, usually in a narrow defeat (because the Devil Rays spend a whopping 30 million in payroll on 25 players – the Boston equivalent of a Curt Schilling, a Trot Nixon, and a Mike Timlin) Unacceptable behavior, if you ask me. And won’t stand for it.

We proceeded to get drunk in the stands, continually pestering Boston fans with random drunken and outlandish outbursts. A friend of mine who was watching the game at home told me the sound equalizer on the television broadcast had to be adjusted from moment to moment, as the network televising the game attempted to drown out our comments so the viewers at home would not be interrupted from listening to Joe Magrane and Dewayne Staats mundane commentary.

Once security realized where we were located, and that we were the cause of the multiple broadcast problems; we were removed from the stadium and issued a temporary trespassing warrant from the next two home games. Not a problem, though, because the Yankees are coming into town later this week, and by then our suspensions will be up and we can subject all of those corned beef-eating, whiny-Jew Bronxians to some righteous Tampa drunken fun. Full of lush. Full of life.



Tags: , , , ,

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro


This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]