Propels Self Into Early 21st Century

TAMPA – Offices are abuzz at headquarters, as our trained monkeys have figured out how to program, and are off on new and exciting adventures in the digital realm.

Some of the monkeys have discovered porn and naked titties and are addicted, of course (marketing tells me that has a bill of over $8,500 at a website called, but there are a few who have resisted the Internet’s number one money-maker and are opting for more productive outlets. A squad of seventy-five chimps has put enough feces into one of our massive servers to produce a program for us to host the glorious Podcast. It is now available at the top of this page and, as of now, you can hear how the results of the 2005 God Election affect your right to arm bears and our exclusive interview with some movie star.

For the uber-geek, there is an RSS feed now available. The top, like, five or six stories can be displayed on your RSS reader for easy access… If you run a real web browser, such as Mozilla’s Firefox, you can subscribe by simply clicking on the callout on the right-hand side of your address bar. If you are running a different browser, check your user manual, ’cause I don’t know.

Why have we at forced our monkeys to do this for you? The answer is simple: no one likes to read! You slobs are illiterate, apparently, and only like to look at our pages and our pictures, but I’ll be damned if anyone actually reads them. So, to cater to your lazy whims, we now have doubled the salary of our apes and given them health insurance (including vision and dental) and stock options. Management has been forced to sacrifice twenty-five percent of its future pension (leaving it at a measly $4 million per year per retiree), and my mom is kicking me out of the basement.

We hope you’re all happy!



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Dr. Egbert Sousé is a columnist and the Senior Editor for Lush For Life.Born and raised in the rural Deep South, Dr. Sousé attended University of Vanderbilt, where he received his Bachelor's Degree in Mass Media, then going on to Georgetown for his Master's, and eventually graduating from Brown University with a Doctorate Degree in English, where he studied under the highly respected writer and journalist Dr. Leonard Epstein.Dr. Sousé has written articles for a variety of publications, including Newsweek, Time, and The Boston Globe.When not working, Dr. Sousé enjoys spending his leisure time at the local horse tracks, where he places two dollar bets and attempts to make contact with extra-terrestrial life.He currently lives in Tampa, Florida, and during the summer months he resides at his remote villa in Key West, Florida, where he enjoys drinking home-made Absinthe while he continues to complete his Great American Novel.

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