Iranian War To Be Paid For With Porn


WASHINGTON – In the ongoing debate as to whether or not the United States goes to war with Iran in August or in January rages, questions have arisen as to how the greatest President since James Buchanan plans to pay to give those lunatics a damn good thrashing. Tax increases are obviously out of the question, as the smartest President ever, Ronald ‘The Brain’ Regan, pointed out, and public institutions like Universities, health and welfare programs, and NASA don’t have much more money left to steal after the Iraq war turned out to be a little pricier than expected. Shiny new press secretary, Tony Snow, commented, Tuesday, that, “The President simply didn’t expect the war to be so expensive. At least three people he knew from Church told him that he could probably do it for under $20,000, which is less than a normal night out for him and the first lady. The problem, you see, is the Clinton Administration’s blatant disregard for the economy which has sent prices sky-rocketing and ended up making this war as expensive as a Republican National Convention.”

The answer to sponsoring the next needless but fun war is so good that it probably came from God. The idea came to the president when he noticed Vice President Cheney’s allowance expenditures (Dick gets a bit of cash every month for movies and candy) and saw that the VP was spending $29,000 a month on lemonparty.org (LushForLife.com really, really recommends NOT going to this site). Slightly bothered by the fact that his second-in-command was deeply involved in orgies involving three older, overweight men with flaccid penises, but aware that he could never truly understand a man with a gay daughter, the President became inspired. As a result, the White House will buy back whitehouse.com (an ex-porn site) and begin tapping into the Internet’s most profitable industry.

The site will feature only male-on-female action and will all be done with a Christian theme, as to not offend Christians. This will include holy scenes of Jesus banging out and forgiving prostitutes, naughty nuns, and priests actually sleeping with girls. The site will belong to a larger network of twelve sites that you can get a password for an astonishing $9.99 a month. The network will include several versions of religious porn (MILF Mormons, Masturbating Muslims and Jews with Jugs), as well as a few fetish sites the president and Mr. Cheney thought up (too horrible to describe, even for this site), and, finally, a political celebrity site featuring tasteful nude photos of GOP members and their families posing in artistically lit sets rodgering each other with zucchinis.

The sites are expected to go live sometime in the next few months, but considering the track record of the administration, the web development team is likely to take several years to complete the code.

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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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