MINNEAPOLIS – A baker’s dozen of retards from the North Star state have collected enough funds from charity car washes and “I-Feel-Bad-For-You-Therefore-Yes-I Will-Buy-This-Suspicious-Looking-Cookie-Thingy” bake sales to purchase a majority share of the Nash Finch Company, mother company of smaller chains such as AVANZA Supermarkets, Econofoods Stores, and Sun Mart Foods Stores.
Chris Burke, “Corky” of TV’s Life Goes On, famous for being a very well rounded, semi-intelligent retard, heads the group. Though he is indeed a retard, the group has nothing but faith in their new CEO.
Burke has had his share of successful business ventures, lately, as he rounded out a lucrative 2005 fiscal year. He subcontracted an ice cream truck for his boyhood neighborhood in Peoria, Illinois, which he has his midget half-brother, Leslie, drive on weekday afternoons and all day Saturdays.
“Ice cweam has been my bwead and butter,” an enthusiastic “Corky” announced at the buyout, “But now we can sell bwead and butter, and it will be our ice cweam!”
Shares of the Nash Finch Company have been suspiciously rising, however, even with a public that is fully aware of the retarded transgression that has taken place. It appears that American People are striving to be more open-minded and accepting of all people and their abilities, whether they are mongoloids, college professors, or even Texans. A post 9/11 America is a more forgiving America, apparently.
Coincidentally, or perhaps not, is that an opposing food chain, The Al-Qaeda Company, has seen a large decline in profits and revenue, despite their attention to detail and competitive prices. The ill-named company is actually owned by an American-born Catholic from Poughkeepsie, New York, Mr. Ahmed Mishra.
This has Burke and cohorts thirsty for blood, as they have also put in a bid for Mishra’s once-fruitful company. Burke has until the end of Ramadan to collect enough votes for the buyout. When asked if he was buying it to eliminate the possibility of any competition, he responded, “Of course. I think that it is a very smart move to ewiminate the possibiwitty of any competition. Even if the company is a smaw one that is not doing too gweat, it is still a thweat to us and, besides, according to all our market wesearch, the Alameda [sic] company should be doing quite well.”
Wall Street analysts have pimped out the buyout, touting Burke as the next coming of Nelson D. Rockefeller, convincing the likes of Martha Stewart and Ray Liotta to invest millions upon millions of dollars into his cause. LushForLife.com, coincidentally, also has a stake in the business venture, as all of our second-quarter profits will be recklessly invested into the hot NFC.
