Group Of Retards Purchases Fortune 500 Company


MINNEAPOLIS – A baker’s dozen of retards from the North Star state have collected enough funds from charity car washes and “I-Feel-Bad-For-You-Therefore-Yes-I Will-Buy-This-Suspicious-Looking-Cookie-Thingy” bake sales to purchase a majority share of the Nash Finch Company, mother company of smaller chains such as AVANZA Supermarkets, Econofoods Stores, and Sun Mart Foods Stores.

Chris Burke, “Corky” of TV’s Life Goes On, famous for being a very well rounded, semi-intelligent retard, heads the group. Though he is indeed a retard, the group has nothing but faith in their new CEO.

Burke has had his share of successful business ventures, lately, as he rounded out a lucrative 2005 fiscal year. He subcontracted an ice cream truck for his boyhood neighborhood in Peoria, Illinois, which he has his midget half-brother, Leslie, drive on weekday afternoons and all day Saturdays.

“Ice cweam has been my bwead and butter,” an enthusiastic “Corky” announced at the buyout, “But now we can sell bwead and butter, and it will be our ice cweam!”

Shares of the Nash Finch Company have been suspiciously rising, however, even with a public that is fully aware of the retarded transgression that has taken place. It appears that American People are striving to be more open-minded and accepting of all people and their abilities, whether they are mongoloids, college professors, or even Texans. A post 9/11 America is a more forgiving America, apparently.

Coincidentally, or perhaps not, is that an opposing food chain, The Al-Qaeda Company, has seen a large decline in profits and revenue, despite their attention to detail and competitive prices. The ill-named company is actually owned by an American-born Catholic from Poughkeepsie, New York, Mr. Ahmed Mishra.

This has Burke and cohorts thirsty for blood, as they have also put in a bid for Mishra’s once-fruitful company. Burke has until the end of Ramadan to collect enough votes for the buyout. When asked if he was buying it to eliminate the possibility of any competition, he responded, “Of course. I think that it is a very smart move to ewiminate the possibiwitty of any competition. Even if the company is a smaw one that is not doing too gweat, it is still a thweat to us and, besides, according to all our market wesearch, the Alameda [sic] company should be doing quite well.”

Wall Street analysts have pimped out the buyout, touting Burke as the next coming of Nelson D. Rockefeller, convincing the likes of Martha Stewart and Ray Liotta to invest millions upon millions of dollars into his cause. LushForLife.com, coincidentally, also has a stake in the business venture, as all of our second-quarter profits will be recklessly invested into the hot NFC.

Comments

comments

Tags: , , , ,

Dr. Egbert Sousé is a columnist and the Senior Editor for Lush For Life.Born and raised in the rural Deep South, Dr. Sousé attended University of Vanderbilt, where he received his Bachelor's Degree in Mass Media, then going on to Georgetown for his Master's, and eventually graduating from Brown University with a Doctorate Degree in English, where he studied under the highly respected writer and journalist Dr. Leonard Epstein.Dr. Sousé has written articles for a variety of publications, including Newsweek, Time, and The Boston Globe.When not working, Dr. Sousé enjoys spending his leisure time at the local horse tracks, where he places two dollar bets and attempts to make contact with extra-terrestrial life.He currently lives in Tampa, Florida, and during the summer months he resides at his remote villa in Key West, Florida, where he enjoys drinking home-made Absinthe while he continues to complete his Great American Novel.

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro

crackberry

This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]