Gaia Theory Becomes Fact


MALAYSIA – Divers have made an orgasmic discovery off the coast of Malaysia. LushForLife.com rushed me out on the Lear jet to find out more. “It is amazing,” said Sunny, from Sunlight Divers. “I have been diving here for seven years and I never realized…”

“Realized what?” I said, getting impatient after a fourteen-hour flight. “There is this dive site I have been going to called ‘Temple’… must have been there two, three hundred times. It’s a mini-mountain under the water. We began to notice that it was not a constant high – sometimes taller and more pert, and at other times, smaller and more flaccid. It wasn’t until we had the famous atmospheric engineer, Professor James Lovelock, the pioneer of Gaia theory, come and do his PADI course with us that we realized what we had been diving on. According to Professor Lovelock, the Earth has a clitoris.”

Gaia theory, in a nutshell, puts forward the view that the Earth is an ecosystem in its own right, and can therefore be thought of as “alive”. Prof. Lovelock said to LushForLife.com: “I work for NASA, so you have to believe everything I say, as it’s the law in the USA, and I say the Earth is alive and it’s a girl, and this is undeniable proof. So there.”

As an experienced diver and a bit of an amateur scientist, myself, I have conducted preliminary “tests” on the clitoris. Diving down with a giant vibrator, I began to massage the tip of the stony clit. Sure enough, the Earth moved and enlarged. After the clit and I had become more familiar with each other’s bedroom desires, I managed to bring our planet to climax. Unfortunately, this caused the major earthquake in Java, Indonesia, which has killed thousands of people and left many more homeless. I have discontinued my quasi-experiments in whacking off with Mother Nature, as it seemed a touch dangerous for the human population of the world. For the first time in my life, I found myself a little inadequate in meeting this girl’s desires (not that I have anything against big women).

Work is now underway to discover the rest of Gaia’s anatomy. Geologists are searching for two mountains of equal size with small domes on top. Although, due to Gaia’s age, there is a definite possibility that her breasts will have sagged a good deal, so the search continues.

Residents from Key West, Florida have said to LushForLife.com, “We’ve known for years where the arsehole of the world is; it’s Tampa, Florida. That Tampa crowd stinks to high heaven! They smell so bad, they lose their sense of smell soon after they are born.”

Scientists are also looking into the possibility that Gaia’s vagina is Yellow Stone Park… which reminds me of a girl I once knew called “Old Faithful” who could cum on command…

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