Florida State Courts Shut Down


TALLAHASSEE, FL – The Florida state court system hit a fatal snag, yesterday, as the state courthouse in Tallahassee was abruptly shut down due to lack of available funds. The unanticipated fallout has caused all judges, secretaries, state prosecutors, and state employees who work at the courthouse to be suddenly unemployed and on the street looking for work. Though major details of this fiscal disaster are sketchy, some information has been reported through a LushForLife.com wire report by visionary reporter and consummate professional Arthur Rocks:

State officials are telling me that all employees who work for the state judiciary are, as of right now, currently unemployed. One of my inside sources went into further detail by explaining the cause of the sudden shutdown of the courts was caused by a waste of state funds from a combination of different sources – primarily the wasting of paper due to the excessive amount of copies which were required to be made by state officials from all branches and levels of the judiciary.

Rocks’ report outlines the bureaucratic flaw in the judiciary process that eventually led to the complete destruction of the state’s judicial system. From the copying of documents regarding the scheduling, postponing, or canceling of arraignments and trials, which needed to be copied for defense attorneys, state prosecutors, secretaries, judges, and outside legal businesses, to the payroll hours that were required to deliver all of this paperwork to the varying recipients – ultimately caused the entire system to collapse. One state prosecutor spoke to LushForLife.com correspondent Porcious Crank on the condition of anonymity:

“Managing my paperwork was a full-time job in itself,” the source said. “I’d be at my office until all hours of the night, sorting through the enormous five-foot pile of documents which accrued on my desk every day. I had to hire six secretaries, all working twenty hour days in three separate and overlapping shifts, to be able to keep up with all of the incoming copies, and to send out all of the documents I needed to get to my colleagues.” The source went on: “It was a hectic system of excessive bureaucratic crap and it cost us all our jobs.”

With state court cases beginning to pile up, remaining state officials are exhausting all avenues and possibilities that may lead to an eventual solution.

One idea that has surfaced out of Tallahassee is the possible hiring of all unemployed clowns who are current Florida residents as the new state judges. State officials believe that clowns, historically, have unsteady workloads, and would welcome the chance to have a stable job with competitive, steady pay.

“That is one of our ideas,” former baseball player and current state official Darren Dalton said to LushForLife.com. “Along with the clowns, we would install several carnival-type accessories to the courtroom,” Dalton said, “and the clowns, or judges, rather, will use a large, squishy mallet that makes a loud, squeaky sound when the judge passes a ruling.” Dalton goes into further detail: “I’d also like to replace the bailiff and stenographer with other carnies; possibly midgets with drug problems, or one of those lobster people. I think this state needs to get back to representing this judicial system with people who truly reflect what the Florida law is all about.”

Another idea being passed along the offices in Tallahassee is delegating all official state trials and arraignments to courtroom television shows. Some state representatives feel that proceedings like murder trials and corporate lawsuits would be better fit to be resolved in the courtroom of Judge Judy or Judge Joe Brown.

“These television judges have more of a feel for what is right,” Florida State Senator Mel Martinez said to Arthur Rocks, “than our former judges. Because they haven’t been clogged up in this legal judicial system, they are more inclined to pass their personal judgment on people, rather than what the constitution says – which, we are learning, is a good thing.” Martinez went on to say, “Getting back to the core values of judgment is something this world needs…and with the addition of clowns, carnies, and fake judges, the state of Florida feels it is heading in the right direction.”

Little word from Washington, DC, has been released regarding Florida’s current judicial situation. With states like Louisiana, Texas, and Ohio heading in the same fatal direction, it appears this trend implemented by Florida may become a common ruling in several other states.

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