David Blaine Just Not Dumb Enough


NEW YORK – David Blaine, illusionist extraordinaire, wasted our time, yet again, as he senselessly submerged his hairy-ass body in a fishbowl of water for a week to be followed by his coup de grace of holding his breathe for an astounding eight minutes and fifty-eight seconds.

His two-hour television special was filled with, mostly, lame flashbacks of cool shit he has done in the past, and some of it was filled with the mind-numbing drivel of sports dawg Stuart Scott. Then Blaine let the world down.

Seven minutes into his nine-minute lie, he began to twitch like a little epileptic girl and had to be pulled to the surface. Mission: failed.

Today, less than twenty-four hours after his defeat, Blaine has resurfaced to announced his next inane stunt:

“I, David Blaine, in an effort to prove that I am every bit as cool as I think I am, and to unite the world, stop poverty and hunger, curb terrorism, cut energy costs, save the whales, rain forest, and the bald eagle, and to legalize marijuana, have decided to, finally, give myself brain damage, once and for all, snuff it right proper, like I should have done years ago. I will be launched into space on a homemade rocket ship, and once in space will attempt to breathe for more than one second. I thank you all in advance for this humbling opportunity, and I am touched by your concern.”

Of course, he said this to his mother.

The citizens of New York are nonplussed and indifferent, as usual, but will be by Blaine’s side throughout the entire ordeal, also as usual.

LushForLife.com will not be reporting on this publicity stunt again, and have unanimously decided to forget that David Blaine even ever existed, and will instead pledge our allegiance to his archrival, Criss Angel.

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Dr. Egbert Sousé is a columnist and the Senior Editor for Lush For Life.Born and raised in the rural Deep South, Dr. Sousé attended University of Vanderbilt, where he received his Bachelor's Degree in Mass Media, then going on to Georgetown for his Master's, and eventually graduating from Brown University with a Doctorate Degree in English, where he studied under the highly respected writer and journalist Dr. Leonard Epstein.Dr. Sousé has written articles for a variety of publications, including Newsweek, Time, and The Boston Globe.When not working, Dr. Sousé enjoys spending his leisure time at the local horse tracks, where he places two dollar bets and attempts to make contact with extra-terrestrial life.He currently lives in Tampa, Florida, and during the summer months he resides at his remote villa in Key West, Florida, where he enjoys drinking home-made Absinthe while he continues to complete his Great American Novel.

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