Bush Mystified After Colbert Speech


WASHINGTON – President Bush was utterly mystified in the aftermath of cable TV comedian Stephen Colbert’s controversial White House Correspondents’ Dinner speech last week, according to both numerous White House sources and public remarks from the President himself.

In a confusing turn of events, the President first announced an independent, far-reaching review of his administration’s policy before backtracking on Friday.

Speaking after an informal lunch, Thursday, at a Washington-area gas station, where the President had delivered remarks expressing the Federal government’s commitment to develop economically viable alternative energy sources in the wake of unprecedented gasoline prices nationwide, Bush seemed agitated and promised a full and independent investigation into the ostensible rationale for the Iraq war. Bush and his Cabinet had issued numerous public statements in the months prior to the invasion of Iraq, pointing to unspecified “Weapons of Mass Destruction,” which have yet to be conclusively located.

“The rule of this nation requires a firm commitment of trust on the part of the American people, and I don’t plan to disappoint them. You have elected me your leader, and I will make sure that this country adheres to only the highest standards of integrity on my watch,” said Bush.

Bush was reportedly greatly puzzled by Colbert’s mock interview clip, which featured Colbert pretending to be the White House press secretary and deflecting reporters’ questions on the real reason for the Iraq war, since no weapons of mass destruction have been found to date.

“Fun is fun, but Colbert really seems to think there’s something here. If there is really some evidence that this war in Iraq is unjust, that it was undertaken on false pretenses, well, I want to know about it. I’m ordering a full investigation into our pre- war intelligence.”

Vice President Cheney reportedly spewed hot coffee all over Halliburton CEO David J. Lesar after he was informed of Bush’s remarks by cellular telephone, Thursday afternoon, at a Washington- area golf course. Lesar was left with minor burns, which did not require medical treatment. Both Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld were seen blocking area traffic shortly thereafter as their respective motorcades sped to the White House.

At a rare press conference, Friday morning, a visibly calmed Bush recanted his earlier remarks. “Secretary Rumsfeld has personally assured me that, though Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction are very well hidden, our brave forces will uncover them within the coming week. And Vice President Cheney tells me that we received new intelligence, yesterday afternoon, which will surely lead us right to the hidden WMD cache, once we do a little follow-up. Should take just another few days.”

After Bush had concluded, Cheney took the podium himself. “Look, we really don’t need to divide this country with witch hunts and partisan politics, right now. Our troops deserve better than that. They need to know that we are behind them one hundred percent. Do we want our many enemies to think that we are weak? No. America is a great nation, and we are great because of our patriotism, which means that we must stand as one. That’s what unites us, and that is why we will win this war.

“If Mr. Colbert thinks that we have failed in any aspect of our duties as your elected leaders, as the chosen servants of you, the people, well, then he has obviously missed what America is all about.” Cheney then indicated a slide of a little girl eating an ice cream cone with a puppy in her lap, projected on the wall behind him. “Even though Colbert obviously wants to hand the keys to our nation over to the terrorists, I, for one, will not allow this little girl to become the victim of another attack like the one that devastated our nation on September 11th.”

“Colbert wasn’t funny,” Cheney added.

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Hoping to create the world's first perfect FemBot, Mr. Payne achieved his Master's degrees in Artificial Intelligence and Linguistics. After the government pulled his funding, he took a position as a part time correspondent with Lush For Life. He continues to travel the globe, establishing numerous contacts for microchips and silicon enhancements on all seven continents.

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