Black Hole Found By Students In Ohio

AKRON, OHIO – A black hole was discovered by a group of University of Akron fine art students in Akron, Ohio, late Sunday night, early Monday morning, inside of a dumpster behind the Brew Thru liquor store.

The hole, which is presumed by scientists at the University of Akron to be an infinite void of space, appears to be the place where the world’s collection of lost ball-point pens, cigarette lighters, and guitar picks are stored. Upon discovering the hole, the students rummaged through what was said to be millions upon billions of pens, lighters, and picks, for several hours before reporting their discovery to university personnel.

“We were afraid to jump in there, at first,” one student who discovered the hole who was lurking behind the liquor store said to correspondent Porcious Crank on Tuesday. “My friend dared me to jump in it, and when I did, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I found an old pick that I lost a long time ago that Chris Carrabba gave me at a Dashboard Confessional show.”

The discovery of the hole has led to a full recovery attempt of all the hole’s contents by city officials. Companies in charge of building a new city hall, as well as a chain of pornography stores throughout the greater Akron area, have been pulled off of their current developments to focus completely on gathering all of the picks, pens, and lighters out of the hole. Official projections of the amount of contents in hole have yet to be released, but city officials believe there are enough pens, picks, and lighters to supply back stock for all of the stationary and music stores, as well as all of the convenience stores within Akron city limits for an entire millennium. The recovery process is already underway, and the construction companies will continue to work in non-stop shifts until all items have been retrieved, which could take decades.

“As city administrators, we are dedicated to recovering everything we possibly can,” Mayor Donald L. Plusquellic said to “We believe this discovery will be looked back upon as the most lucrative finding in our city’s history.” After one day of gathering items, the total value is estimated at 1.2 million dollars of pens, picks, and lighters.

State representatives in Columbus are making strides to force the city to share their findings with other retail locations throughout the entire state.

“Those bastards don’t get to just keep it all for themselves,” Republican Senator R. Michael DeWine said to Porcious Crank. “It was found in our state, so it all should be shared with all of our cities. Akron isn’t a remote empire like they think they are; they’re just like all the other cities, and they need to pay their due.” Coincidentally, the same opinion is shared by politicans in Washington, D.C.

“Damn right,” Texas congresswoman Kay Bailey Hutchison said. “If anyone deserves what’s comin’ to them, it’s Texas.” Hutchison went on, “We are entitled to everything Ohio is entitled to. We’re Texas! We get whatever we feel like, or at least that’s how it should be.”

Though the distribution of all of the discovered picks, pens, and lighters has yet to be resolved on either a state or national level, greater causes of concern have arose at the site of the black hole discovery. Mathematicians at the University of Akron believe the recovering of all of the items from the hole will eventually lead to disaster.

“By my approximations,” Dr. Wieslaw Binienda said to Porcious Crank, “If the recovery process continues as it is, the entire city will be covered in a twenty-foot layer of lighters, pens, and guitar picks by January 2007.” Binieda went on, “It would cause a disaster. People would suffocate and die, families would be forced to relocate; our entire city would shut down.”

Even though the possibility of imminent disaster is evident, the city appears to be determined to continue with the recovery process.



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