Ask Brett! Volume 3


In a monthly periodical, you, the readers of LushForLife.com, can submit questions to Danny Albertson, and he will forward a handful of them to Brett Favre in their monthly sit down.

 

Danny Albertson: A lot has happened since the last time we spoke, buddy.

Brett Favre: It’s been a busy time for me and my family. I don’t get to come down here and chat with you guys as much as my publicist would like.

DA: I know it’s always about family with you, Brett. You don’t have to remind me of that. You don’t seem to have the same kind of dedication to your football family, though…

BF: Well…

DA: To me, the least you could offer to the organization and city that has been so good to you, both lucratively and in your personal times of need, is to tell them what your immediate plans are in a timely fashion.

BF: Is this the kind of hassle I’m going to get from you, today, or are we going to take some questions? I’m here to help people with my infinite wisdom of life.

DA: Have it your way, scrimshaw… This question comes from Dale in Carlisle, Pennsylvania:

Dear Brett,

I work a blue-collar job, make a decent wage, and try to be a good man in society, a good father to my children, and a good husband to my wife – so I know you can relate to my situation. While I was having a drink at a bar after getting off of work, I met a nice single woman who happens to work in the hardware department at Sears. We instantly hit it off, enjoying several rounds of Pabst while we sang several karaoke duets together. She told me she could give me a brand new John Deere tractor – that is, if I slept with her. I’m dedicated to my family, but this is a tractor! I know you’re a family man, and a tractor lover. What should I do?

BF: There’s no reason you can’t get the tractor from this woman in another way. Offer to mow her lawn for a month or so. There’s nothin’ better than being on a tractor, sweating, drinking a beer, doing an honest man’s work. If that doesn’t work, you better hog that singin’ lady’s beaver out and get that dern tractor. Just imagine being on the open highway, cruising in a fresh-off-the-line Deere, gnawin’ on beef jerky while you’re bird-doggin’ chicks. It’s the ole’ Miss-Sipp dream.

DA: So you’d cheat on your wife and turn your back on your family, which you constantly say is the number one priority in your life, so you can try to pick up chicks on a tractor?

BF: Don’t dog it till you hog it, city boy.

DA: Okay… Our next question is a little more socially relevant. It comes from Doug Neidermeyer in Faberville, Oregon:

Dear Brett,

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, gas prices all over have gotten severely out of hand. Gas has eclipsed three dollars a gallon on the west coast. Knowing how big of a help to the community you are, I’m curious if you have any plans to establish a charity fund for those of us who are in need of gas?

BF: No. I only support charities when my career is sagging and there’s not an eligible member of my family willing to die. Basically, I only support charities when my name isn’t already in the headlines. Plus I need all the money for gas that I can get, so I can continue to shag-ass on my badass John Deere. Sorry.

DA: Do you think I could come along when you “shag-ass” one day, buddy?

BF: There’s only so much room on a tractor, Danny. But the one I have has room for four or five people, so I could make some room for you. As long as you don’t mind hairy armpits, and inbred, Mississippi born, toothless farm sluts, I’d be glad to have you.

DA: Now this sounds like something worth doing…

BF: You have no idea.

DA: Our last question comes from Sylvia in Bakersfield, California:

Brett,

The President’s approval rating has fallen lower than it has ever been. For someone like yourself, who is dearly beloved and always seems to be in the hearts and thoughts of Americans everywhere, what kind of advice would you give President Bush?

BF: I’d say the best thing that could happen to him is the death of an immediate family member. Say like, one of his daughters. All of the families who’ve lost a loved one in Iraq would finally feel like he can identify with them. He could arrange exclusive media coverage from inside the Oval Office of himself and Laura mourning together. The American people would be sympathetic, and his approval ratings would rise. How do you think I’ve gotten by these last few years?

DA: Before we conclude our Q and A session, let me ask you – why did you decide to not retire and play yet another year?

BF: I felt like it was the right thing for both me and my family.

DA: Blah, blah… Your decision has nothing to do with Mr. Clemens? He retired. You contemplate retiring. Then he says he may play baseball this year for a contending team. All of a sudden, you’re coming back, and may play next year, too. Should that strike a clear-thinking individual like myself as a bit odd?

BF: I am the greatest ever. I don’t know who the hell that bastard thinks he is. I’ll slice open that washed-up redneck’s stomach and eat his intestines, the vomit them back up into his mouth so he chokes on his own guts, on an altar, in front of his children – if it comes down to it.

DA: I’ll join you for that, too.

BF: First we’ll have a gutting, then some ass-shagging. And we’ll do it on the back of a sturdy John Deere

DA: With some toothless slags and a case of Pabst.

BF: I’ll make the jerky.

DA: And I’ll bring the knives.

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