Lush For Life

MALAYSIA – Divers have made an orgasmic discovery off the coast of Malaysia. LushForLife.com rushed me out on the Lear jet to find out more. “It is amazing,” said Sunny, from Sunlight Divers. “I have been diving here for seven years and I never realized…”

CANNES, FRANCE – The red carpet was rolled out, the champagne bottles popped, the tuxedos came off the racks, and a Catholic nun recited the rosary and prayed on the steps of the theater.

AKRON, OHIO – A black hole was discovered by a group of University of Akron fine art students in Akron, Ohio, late Sunday night, early Monday morning, inside of a dumpster behind the Brew Thru liquor store.

Guest writer Summer Fields is a second grader at the Tampa Baptist and Young Republican Academy. CHICAGO – In his first public speech using words in English in over five years, President George Bush proved just how awesome he is to the Restaurant Association meeting in Chicago.

HERE – Phil Hendrie, undisputed master of AM Radio comedy, hero to all, savior of children, slayer of elves, wrecker of homes, and lover of the loveless, has announced his so-called retirement from the airwaves to pursue the limelight on television and in the movies, leaving thousands of hardcore fans out in the cold to [...]

BEIJING, CHINA – The world famous Shaolin Temple unveiled to the world press, yesterday, that the venerable Head Abbot has discovered an ancient text that could be the ultimate force in martial arts.

LOS ANGELES – The Los Angeles based, nationally renowned sports broadcaster Jim Rome, reportedly, will join filmmaker George Lucas’ creative team in charge of developing the new installment in the successful Star Wars film series.

TALLAHASSEE, FL – The Florida state court system hit a fatal snag, yesterday, as the state courthouse in Tallahassee was abruptly shut down due to lack of available funds. The unanticipated fallout has caused all judges, secretaries, state prosecutors, and state employees who work at the courthouse to be suddenly unemployed and on the street [...]

HERE, NOW – The NSA is a useless piece of shit. I, for one, am sick and tired of hearing about some bullshit they be pullin’ on the little guy every two weeks. The latest I’ve heard is that they are monitoring calling records. What jerks!

WASHINGTON – Early yesterday, a group of young Americans was found. Lost, wet, starving, and terrified, they were restored to the loving arms of their anxious parents. The heroes of the moment? General Michael V. Hayden and his team at the National Security Agency.