Traditional Easter Celebrated


ALBANY, CA – After years of Christian-skewed religious celebrations of the Spring equinox, a small community of Californian residents are taking back Easter. The rights that were performed were taken from the most accurate writings available of the Assyrian Queen demigod, Semiramis. John Poikin, of Albany, led the service. I had the opportunity to sit down with Mr. Poikin and ask him to explain the true origins of Easter. Said Poikin: “We are just trying to bring back some of the real meaning behind this wonderful holiday. We got tired of lying to our children about where bunnies and eggs enter into to a festival most think is to remember Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection. And lying to children makes Semiramis angry.”

The festival, which is called Ishtar (pronounced Easter in English), began in remembrance of the Babylonian god of vegetation and resurrection Tammuz, the only begotten son of Baal, the sun god. When Tammuz was slain by a wild pig, Semiramis proclaimed that a forty-day period of mourning was to be held, ending with the Spring equinox. During this time, no meat was to be eaten, and worshippers were to meditate on the sacred mysteries of Baal and Tammuz. They would make the sign of a “T” in front of their hearts, and ate little cakes with a cross or a “T” burned into them. Every year, on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Spring equinox, a celebration was made.

And what a celebration it was. Local Albany resident and Sumerian church member, Polly Kent, recounted: “It was a beautiful party; there were little trees with gorgeous lights strung up and little Tammuz cakes of raisins and cinnamon. There were hundreds of little rabbits (Tammuz’s favorite animal), and enough chocolate eggs to make certain that people would remember Ishtar’s egg, the moon, from which he was born. After that, we all ate a delicious baked ham to remember the pig who ran our lord through.”

On a personal note, I found the festival to be touching and beautiful, although I do regret missing the celebratory orgy performed earlier in the week. Guess I’ll just have to wait until Christmas.

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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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