The Lush For Life Interview


I awoke on the floor of my Columbian hotel room this morning to the buzzing of my god damned cell phone. It was Duncan Idaho, bitching to me about deadlines and due dates and the sort. I rebuked him, reminding him that I was Senior Editor around here, and I’d be the one barking orders and reprimands. I hung up on him and realized: “Oh, fuck. That foreign cocksucker has a point.” It had been more than a month, and the entire interview with Debbie Rochon had still not been published, on account of the fact that my personal assistant, a young Japanese girl named Miyuki, who was supposed to transcribe the fucking thing, had run off in a hurry after… shit. I don’t know. I blacked out and she had gone back to Nagasaki the following morning.

Here’s Part Three of our exclusive interview:

ES: Have you seen all those Chevy ads talking about how they have thirty million green fuel vehicles? Do you believe that?

DR: Do I believe it? I don’t know. But I do know one person in L.A. that bought a non-gas vehicle. They were on the waiting list. But you have no choice of the color, for some reason.

DI: What?!

DR: Like, it just shows up. It could be blue, red, yellow… Why is that? You know what I mean? Isn’t that strange? There’s, like, no choice of the color.

DI: That is really strange.

DR: It’s odd.

DI: It’s going to keep me up at night.

ES: And the polar bears.

DI: What do you think of the Dubai Port situation, then?

DR: The what?

DI: Dubai Port situation?

DR: Ooh. Tell me about that.

DI: United Arab Emirates…

DR: Oh, yes! The ports! I see what you’re saying.

DI: Good idea or bad idea?

DR: Oh, man. It seems like racial profiling to me. Doesn’t it? Can’t there be normal Arabian-type people? Can’t there be? I think it’s just like the McCarthy era. Like when Hollywood went through the communist… the whole thing they went through. I think it’s just this fear-driven ridiculous behavior on the part of politicians. Y’know, I spoke to a lot of doctors (I just want to segue into a very important subject matter, here), but I’ve spoken to a lot of doctors… A filmmaker that I know, his father is a researcher of infectious diseases. I asked him seriously. I said, ‘Do you really think that this bird virus, this bird-flu virus… How real is that?’ and he says, ‘It’s really not.’ And he says, ‘They’re just wanting to sell Tamiflu.’

ES: Does he think so?

DI: Really?

DR: Yeah. He really does. It’s not the first time that I’ve heard that. I think our society is so fear-driven…

DI: It’s a good marketing plan, though.

DR: It is. But it really is. And every commercial on TV is fear-driven. ‘Do you want to do this? Do you want more of this? Less of that?’ I mean, it’s always, sort of, playing into your fears. And then, that’s what I do, too, right? I make horror movies and I play into your fears.

DI: That’s true.

DR: So, I’m a hypocrite.

[Laughter]

DR: You didn’t know that about me. I didn’t know that about me.

DI: Last night, we saw… What is it? Corpses are

DR: Corpses are Forever. By a filmmaker that’s in Miami. It’s his first film. [It was] shot in 35[mm]. I thought it was really beautiful. He had two 35mm cameras, a great cinematographer… His sound was just terrible.

DI: Yeah.

DR: He got screwed in the sound.

DI: But it did look good.

DR: It did look good.

ES: You are saying the same exact thing we said, last night, actually.

DR: Yeah. And he knows it. He knows it. He has such an interesting story. His parents came from Cuba and he now lives with his grandparents down in Miami and they both died and they left him approximately, a little bit less than, say, a quarter of a million dollars, and he made this movie with all of that money.

ES: That’s brave.

DR: This was his thing, and the sound guy completely screwed him. He spent all of his money, and being his first film, he didn’t leave enough money for the post, so, even though he cut it, he wasn’t able to fix the sound. It’s such a sad story because I think it could have been more enjoyable. I mean, there are other problems with the movie, but I think if the sound was really slick, it would’ve…

DI: Been a lot better.

DR: Yeah, been a lot better.

DI: You’ve written. You’ve produced. Do you have any aspirations to direct?

DR: Not right now. I think I would only want to direct if I had a project that I couldn’t not direct. Like, if I had an idea that was just burning in my brain and I had to do it, because I know how hard it is and I know to do it well is very hard. It’s not that I wouldn’t want to do it, but just I really do enjoy producing at Fangoria Entertainment. I have my own show, there, but I love producing, love writing, acted forever. Love it. But I don’t have that pull. Not right now. Tomorrow, I could wake up and have it, but I don’t. I don’t. Too many problems.

DI: Yeah.

DR: I don’t want to be stressed out like that. Then you have to worry about everything.

DI: Before today, had you ever heard of LushForLife?

DR: Y’know, I did. I’d heard of it in New York. People talk about it in the street, in Starbuck’s. It’s amazing. People reference it on the news.

DI: So, you would say it’s the best website ever, probably…

DR: Ever! Ever! It’s better than mine, better than MySpace; it’s better than Google. It’s better than anything. It’s my favorite.

DI: We should go public.

DR: You should go public.

ES: Do we have time [to go public] today?

DR: I thought you were out in the public. You should go public, and after all of this, I am actually going to go to the website, now.

DI: Great! That’s a good idea. We also make up a lot of stories. Can we make up a story about you?

DR: Yes.

DI: We could make one up, if you don’t mind.

DR: Me? I should do it?

DI: No. We’ll just write one about you, randomly.

DR: Sure. Absolutely. Write it. Um, I don’t know what. Write what you want.

DI: You could write a story. Just a random, fake story. You’re welcome to submit one.

DR: Yeah. Jeez, there’s just so many things, what couldn’t you say?

ES: You could write a story about… what’s the name of the drug you were talking about for bird flu?

DI: Tamiflu.

ES: Yeah. She said that, first thing I thought was, yeah, there’s a story right there.

DR: Yeah. That I’m for it or against it?

DI: Doesn’t matter.

DR: So, it’s a scam. By the way, it’s true, but, yes, say that I personally endorse the fact that this is a scam to sell Tamiflu, just like it was a scam after 9/11 to sell New Yorkers duct tape and tell them that that was going to make them safe. Isn’t that great? That was really smart.

ES: I think, y’know, one or two people bought it.

DR: It’s brilliance on part of the government, y’know? They spend so much money on these things and yet we have Tamiflu and polar bears and…

DI: You could take duct tape, Tamiflu, and polar bears and tie them up into one story.

DR: Yes, I could.

DI: That would be good.

DR: Literally tie them up.

DI: There you go. With duct tape.

DR: Actually duct tape the ice so it doesn’t melt, anymore…

DI: And pump the polar bears full of Tamiflu.

DR: Inject Tamiflu into the polar bears so they don’t get sick and die. Maybe we could do something like that. I don’t know. And shoot any Republicans that try to go up to Alaska.

DI: Feed them to the polar bears. They’re underweight, already, remember?

DR: But I hear Jeb Bush is doing a good job, here, so I hate to trash him.

DI: Oh, go right ahead, please.

DR: Oh, really?

ES: Yeah, sure.

DR: Are you non-Jebs? It seems like Jeb Bush is doing good and he got the only good genes in the family.

DI: Both of them.

ES: They were Levi’s.

DR: Yes. Exactly.

ES: Actually, they were probably Wrangler’s.

DR: Yeah. He doesn’t shoot people in the face.

ES: Not yet. Well, not that he’s talked about.

DI: Pity.

DR: Yeah. Well, you get a lot more done that way. It was kind of funny that they [Dick Cheney and pal] were hunting quail when, in fact, his [George “Dubya” Bush] father’s vice president was Dan Quayle. I find that very… if you’re a conspiracy theorist…

DI: I don’t think anyone’s played that angle.

DR: See? There’s a conspiracy theory there, right?

DI: … Um, I’m behind you.

DR: Maybe he was aiming at Dan Quayle, to be honest, and he accidentally shot the other guy.

ES: And who wouldn’t want to? I mean, Dan Quayle?

DR: He called it “quail hunting.” He got out of the car to shoot quail? You see what I’m saying?

DI: I think you’re onto something here.

DR: Ooh. Interesting.

DI: If you ever want to write for us, please check us out.

DR: Okay. Obviously, you can see that I’m very intelligent…

DI: As long as you can write.

DR: Yes.

DI: We know you can act, but let’s see if you can write.

DR: I try and I do actually write for a lot of magazines. Is it like TheOnion, then?

DI: Yes. But a little edgier.

DR: Edgier?

DI: And some other real stuff.

DR: Kind of mixed in: real and unreal. I like that.

ES: We cuss and make fun of things. We have no respect at all.

[Laughter]

ES: We’re jerks.

DI: Do we have any more questions, or should we let the lady get back to work?

ES: Um, where is the “B” Movie Hall of Fame? Every hall of fame is in Canton, Ohio, so it’s gotta be in Canton, Ohio.

DR: I’ll tell you where it is: it’s in Syracuse, New York.

DI: Really? Not Canton, Ohio?

DR: Nope.

ES: Everything else is in Canton, Ohio.

DR: I have not been to Canton, Ohio.

ES: That’s where the Baseball Hall of Fame is; the Football Hall of Fame. Not the “B” Movie Hall of Fame, apparently.

DR: Nope, nope. It’s in the great Syracuse, New York.

ES: I was going to ask you earlier if you had any problems with Laura Dern, because I thought we’d done good research, but you brought up Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains before we did.

DR: Did I have problems with her? No. Laura Dern was just very studious and kept to herself. Diane Lane, on the other hand, was so young – she was fourteen or fifteen, at the time – and she wanted to go out and party. She had her mother there, because she was so young. She actually had a shower scene and a make out scene with Ray Winston. But, she was on set, so, she was going through that trying to get away from her mother thing, I think, so she was on the set, sowing her wild oats and really getting into her sexuality and that age.

DI: At fourteen? Nice. Good job.

DR: Well, I heard she lost her virginity at, um, thirty. No, I…

DI: I’m planning to, soon. Any day, now.

DR: Any day, now. Any day, now. There’s actually… I’d really like to mention that there’s going to be a Troma disc coming out that is highlighting all of the work I’ve done with them the past fifteen years. It includes the movies, the skits, intros, stuff we’ve done for overseas television, Cinemax, and everything. But – here’s the clincher, this is the good part – it’s going to be hosted by one of my biggest fans who really really is a forty year-old virgin. For real.

DI: Really?

DR: Yeah.

DI: Wow.

DR: Yes. And he is absolutely amazing. I think he might steal my thunder, to be honest, because the clips are great but this guy… His name is George and…

DI: What’s the boxed set called?

DR: I don’t know, yet, but it’s going to be something like My Dinner with a Stalker or The Stalker Diaries. I don’t think it will be Debbie Rochon’s Best in Tromaville. That’s too boring. It’s going to be ‘stalker’ in there, because I think it will grab people.

ES: People like stalkers.

DR: They do.

ES: It’s such a Hollywood society.

DR: You’re nobody unless you have had one.

ES: I’ve had three.

DR: Have you?

ES: This week.

DR: Where they all men?

ES: Two men and a young, small girl.

DR: Young men… Two older men and a young girl.

ES: This forty year-old virgin – is this religious for him? Is it religious, like, ‘God doesn’t want me to have sex until I find the right one?’

DR: No, no. No, it’s not. It’s absolutely not.

ES: Is he really creepy?

DR: Well, he’s unusual. I had a showing of a movie of mine called American Nightmare at this theater. It screened at seven o’clock and he got there at eleven a.m. to make sure he was the first one there.

ES: People do that for Star Wars months in advance.

DR: It’s not that crazy. He has asked my character – not me, but my character from a movie – to marry him. He’s written letters to Jane, which is the character’s name. Long letters, and hopes for a reply. It’s not a religious thing. He actually has a page on MySpace and he says that his fantasy is a female magician who is a lesbian who will force him to watch he have lesbian acts and then allow him to touch their soft calves and then, afterwards, marry him.

ES: Isn’t that all of our fantasies?

DI: You can’t make that kind of stuff up.

DR: Yeah, but it has to be in that exact order.

ES: I’m flexible on the calf thing, so…

DI: I prefer the joint at the knee, personally.

ES: You’re a knee guy?

DR: Everybody has their variation on it, but it’s… He’s a very fascinating man.

DI: Thank you very much, ma’am.

DR: Thank you very much.

DI: Check out the site.

DR: Yes! I’m going to go, now, because I’ve read about it in the New York Times and I’ve read about it in Wall Street Journal and now I must actually go to the site.

-fin-

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