WASHINGTON – In a surprise announcement, the Bush administration has released plans to solve both the raging border protection and immigration debate, as well as the international outcry over the treatment of detainees at the Guantanamo Bay detention center. The plan calls for the “reeducation” of the 384 to 660 inmates at the Naval base, training the ex-al-Qaeda and Taliban prisoners to be border patrol guards. The guards will each be issued with a red jumpsuit and a large stick to help beat back unwanted “undocumented immigrants.”
“We know that these people are seen by many in the international community as not getting to do what they really love, and are being treated poorly,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld in a press conference Monday. “This will completely solve the issue. What these people really want to do is hurt infidels, and what better way to help the country and give them what they want than to sic them on a bunch of filthy Catholics?” When asked if the ex-detainees would be issued work visas, Rumsfeld responded, “Well, we won’t go that far. What we’re going to do is create a new system of visas for workers essential to the economy, but they won’t have all the rights of citizens – these are brown people after all.” When super-hippie reporter, Helen Thomas, asked why these visas hadn’t been thought of before for current illegal immigrants, Rumsfeld spat at her and took another question.
Mexican President and Bush-bullied sycophant, Vicente Fox, expressed concern, late Monday, over the size of the sticks the new guards would be carrying, but was told to shut up. Other concerns voiced by the Crazy Redneck Border Minutemen included questions as to who was going to guard the guards and if they were allowed to shoot any “towel-heads or camel-fuckers trying to escape,” but the Bush government has urged them to use restraint, as the national guard will be on hand to handle all issues of attempted towel-head escape.
