CLEARWATER,FL – Tom Cruise announced, today, that he plans on eating both the umbilical cord and placenta after Katie Holmes gives birth to their child. Since no doctor in their right mind would ever let him, or any man, for that matter, do this, TomKat plans to give birth to their child in the privacy of their home. When asked why he wanted to do this, Cruise explained: “Not only is it nutritious, but I believe that by eating the placenta, I will become closer to my child and develop a lifelong bond that can never be broken.” He then went on to add, “I also believe eating the placenta will give me super powers, and the world will bow down before me in fear of my wrath!”
Katie Holmes is due to give birth… you know what, I can’t even finish writing this fucking story! How fucking nuts does a person have to be to want to do this?!!! What the fuck is the matter with Tom Cruise? He really is going to do this! This isn’t some bullshit, fake story that we made up… this is REAL news! LushForLife.com is a fake news site, and we couldn’t even make this shit up! Think about that… Tom Cruise’s real life is so fucked up and crazy, that we can’t even make this shit up, anymore! If I wrote a story next week that had the headline, “Tom Cruise Builds Space Shuttle in His Basement So He Can Fly to Mars to Dig Up the Graves of His Dead Ancestors,” that same story would be on the front page of The Los Angeles Times, The New York Times, and The Washington Post the very next day, because it would be true.
Why hasn’t the government killed him yet? I’m serious! He is no longer the semi-pretentious, pseudo-intellectual, self-absorbed, Hollywood movie star that America is used to. He’s a fucking danger to himself, his loved ones, and society as a whole. Fuck it, I quit!