McDonald’s Diversifies


SHANGHAI – There is a new flavor of experimentation wafting through the halls of power at McDonald’s headquarters. “The old model worked well for so long, but that is changing,” says head P.R. man Mike Mandrake. “Our old commitment to selling the same hamburgers all over the world just is not raking in the cash it used to.” McDonald’s first discovered that not everyone likes to eat second-rate beef with the premier of the New Delhi Restaurant in India. “However low we dropped our prices, we could not get the Indian population to drop 5000 years of tradition and start eating beef; it was a catastrophe.”

The new-look McDonald’s burgers are more suited to local tastes, according to head Chef Mr. Chips. “We have had tremendous success with our new line. The new Doggie Big Macs are selling out before lunchtime in China. The Frog Legs McNuggets are also doing well in France. The Ebi, or Shrimp Burger, has put us back on the map in Japan.”

McDonald’s suffered a marketing set back in Japan with the release of the new Sushi Burger last year. But after a month of serious cases of food poisoning in and around the Japanese city of Nagoya, the Sushi Burger was discontinued.

Mr. Mandrake is optimistic about the future. “We have exciting new products coming on line this year all over the world.” LushForLife.com was invited to test some of the new foods and beverages soon to be released. The team enjoyed trying the new Yak Quarter Pounder with Cheese soon to be released in Tibet. We also enjoyed many rounds of the new McDonald’s Triple Distilled Vodka Shakes hitting the streets of Moscow by the end of next month. However, no one here at the office was too keen on the Grasshopper Fries that are set to really put McDonald’s on the map in Egypt.

One American voice of concern was raised in opposition to this new-look McDonald’s menu. Mr. Warner, from Los Angeles, said to LushForLife.com, “My Chinese friends here in the City have been raving about the new Doggie Big Mac. I heard that it was released at the McDonald’s in China Town last week. How long before the Corporate boys at McDonald’s realize that it will be cheaper to ditch beef for dog meat for all hamburgers?”

An anonymous source told LushForLife.com that the switch from beef to dog meat happened back in the 1970’s. An attempt to switch back to beef was rejected in double-blind taste tests all over America in the 80s when the price of beef dropped lower than the price of dog meat. Our source said, “Americans just love dog, dead or alive.”

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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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