Man Sues Catholic Church Over Fast Food


TAMPA, FL – A Tampa man is suing the Catholic Church over the fact that he believes God is stopping him from eating McDonald’s. Mr. C. Karl Khunt, of Tampa, began legal proceedings Thursday against the Vatican after he was confronted by an enraged group of protesters from the Florida Tomato Picker Association, blocking up the drive-thru of a franchise just off of Interstate 75.
Many analysts see this as yet another break down of the American justice system, but a spokesperson from Mr. Khunt’s lawyers, Morgin, Stamley, and Jilbert, said that the suit is in no way frivolous: “We feel that Mr. Khunt’s claims are completely reasonable. He is a devout Catholic and feels like he has been spurned by his Church in their pleas to God to help him. Mr. Khunt tried to resolve this on at least seven occasions by asking five different local priests to pray for him, and in every situation, he was laughed out of the church. We feel that this is yet another example of the increasing lawlessness, lack of care, and pure criminality being displayed by the Catholic Church. Besides, everyone knows that unless you’re Southern Baptist, you’re not a real Christian.”

LushForLife.com super-reporter Arthur Rocks sat down with Mr. Khunt on Tuesday to find out how the scandal began. “Well, it all started a few weeks back when I got me a craving for some grub whens I gots the munchies ’bout noon on a Sunday after Church. I’d been drinking t’night before, an’ my gut was aching just a tad, so whens I got to the parking lot I had ta open my truck door and puke. Then I drove up to the drive-thru and ordered a Spicy Chicken Sandwich, ten McNuggets, and a small Strawberry Shake, and they tol’ me it’d be over eight dollars! So, I say ‘What? Fuck y’all!’ And I drived off. I ain’t paying that kind of money.” After that, Mr. Khunt continued to have problems securing a McMeal. From broken McFlurry ice-cream machines to wait times beyond tolerance, malfunctioning credit cards to running out of Apple Pies, fate seemed to be against Khunt. It was around 7:32pm after the 15th time he was unable to make a purchase from McDonald’s that a friend suggested to Khunt that God might not want him to eat McDonald’s for health reasons (Khunt is 300 pounds, has a pacemaker, diabetes, and gout). Khunt was furious. As a red-blooded, non-Jew American, Khunt was not going to have anyone tell him what he was or was not allowed to eat, and decided to take action.

The first hearings are scheduled to take place in late May, and are expected to be thrown out of court for being what one legal analyst has called “very, very stupid”.

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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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