Korean Scientist Offers Hermaphrodite Super-achiever Fetuses


America’s “Pushy Parents” have always wanted children who will succeed beyond anything their friends, neighbors, or relatives’ kids can do.

And now, that dream is within their grasp.

The hero of the hour is Professor Hwang Woo-suk, the Korean scientist famous for the first cloned dog, Snuppy. Professor Woo-suk was dismissed from Seoul National University in March 2006 after his claims to having created human embryonic stem cells by cloning were rejected as fraudulent. Professor Woo-suk has now opened a clinic in Tijuana, Mexico, where he will give visionary Americans the babies they desire.

Professor Woo-suk works with a software suite that sifts complex algorithms to produce the perfect genetic combination from any two parents.

The results are several optional embryos, including the “Prof. Yoo-suck” baby and the “Prof. Woo-HOO!” child.

The top-of-the-line Woo-HOO embryos are guaranteed to succeed in the race to the Great American Dream. Parents who believe in the “what-you-have-is-what-you-are” school of thought will like this option.

One interesting feature of this winning algorithm? All the embryos are hermaphroditic.

Males, it seems, will dominate the work place in the future because they will be better at mastering new interfaces, pattern recognition, abstract pattern solving, the analysis of multiple variables, and the management of constantly changing new technologies.

Something about boys and computer games…

Girls, however, are better readers, tend to stay in school until graduation, and are, therefore, more “employable”. Women are better at relationships, and have higher emotional quotients (EQs).

But this “boys and computer games” factor means that men master the art of maintaining complex virtual relationships, which will give them an edge in the future working world, and will place them higher on the ladder in the new economy.

Professor Woo-Suk believes that combining these winning traits will change the face of our society. The male-female mix will not only produce workers with both formal graduate degrees and good work skills, but will solve forever the difficulties of getting a date for high school prom.

The cheaper “Prof. Yoo-suck” embryos are all intelligent, attracted to powerful older male figures from an early age, and have an innate preference for Gap clothing. They come in all three gender groups, and are available in Republican, Democrat and Independent. The Republican babies cannot be educated too much or they turn into Democrats, and the Democrat babies require regular abdominal exercise because of a spinal weakness, but Professor Woo-Suk is working on the defect.

America’s Pushy Parents are finally able to stop hiding their ambition and let it all Hwang out for a change. Korea and Mexico can provide our gadgets and do the jobs we don’t want to do ourselves. Now, together, they can provide what we want most: living proof that we’re superior to the guy next door.

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