Jesus’ Gambling Problem Uncovered


HEADQUARTERS, LAS VEGAS – A recent investigative report conducted by LushForLife.comcorrespondent Arthur Rocks in Las Vegas, Nevada, has revealed a multitude of evidence implicating our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ as a degenerate gambler, racketeer, and compulsive sex-fiend. Correspondent Rocks was in Las Vegas investigating a possible drug connection between his various contacts in South America and the Pete Escovedo Orchestra – who perform on a regular basis in Las Vegas, with a variety of different acts, including Tom Jones – when he witnessed Christ engaged in one of his Vegas-renowned mental meltdowns.

If the report Rocks submitted is correct (which it most surely must be…A man like Mr. Rocks leads such a dreadfully demented life that his only joy comes from reporting only the facts…which is why he works for us.), Christ may find himself petitioning to The Holy Committee in the near future. Rocks’ report has Jesus engaged in an all night boozing, gambling, and womanizing kick, which started at the craps table, where Christ used divine intervention (and a pair of lucky titty-rubs from the prostitutes he was courting) to accumulate over $100,000 in winnings. Like all compulsive gamblers, Christ could not bring himself to walk away from the table, and eventually lost all of his winnings and ended up in the hole to the luxurious off-the-Strip Riviera Hotel and Casino to the sum of what is speculated to be in the hundreds of thousands of dollars.

After the Riviera rejected His attempt to pay His debts in blessings, Christ was forcefully ejected from the premises following a violent, drunken outburst. Hours later, Christ was found receiving oral sex in a back alley of a package store while He snorted cocaine off the breasts of an underage black prostitute.

It is unclear what the Holy Committee’s response will be to Christ’s recent debauchery in Las Vegas. Though no official meeting has commenced or statement released, some members of the committee offered to shed some light on the possible repercussions:

“I knew that once he received full reign of this place that he’d go hog wild,” committee member Craig T. Nelson said to LushForLife.com correspondent Porcious Crank. “It was a bad idea to let Him go to Vegas,” Nelson continued, “He’s always been a rebel, I guess. We should’ve known better.”

“There’s going to have to be a swift course of action,” Cabinet member Benny Hinn said. “We must send Him to the missions, or to solitary – to dwell and pray on what He’s done. Or maybe we’ll just force Him to make large contributions to my ministry.”

Hinn’s comical suggestion encouraged LushForLife.com to begin investigating how long this type of degenerate behavior of Christ has been occurring. The results found were quite eye opening.

Following an intense study of the financial records of the ministries of Benny Hinn, Joyce Meier, Billy Graham, and Jim Bakker, we found that over three hundred large-sum cash withdrawals were made spanning the last twenty-five years. It has been confirmed by inside contacts that these withdrawals were made to fund Jesus’ massive gambling and drug habit.

“The Lord is powerful, the Lord is plentiful, the Lord is palatable,” evangelist and Holy Cabinet member Joyce Meier said to her congregation. “He is all-knowing, loving, and forgiving…he’s just not all that good with money,” she said, “so please, give us a donation. Any gift can help.”

The recent discoveries of Jesus’ problems have led to a more clear understanding of how these evangelists, who have funded his degenerate behavior for decades, found themselves on the Holy Committee of God.

“Yeah, I would’ve blown the whistle on Him,” committee member Jim Bakker said. “I had to go to jail for what I did, why shouldn’t he?” Bakker asked, but then went on, “but once I got that appointment to the committee, I guess you could say I changed my mind.”

An official statement by the Holy Committee of God is expected to be released from Heaven within the next few weeks. Stay tuned to LushForLife.com for all the developing events.

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