God Election Results

LAS VEGAS – Voting results from the God Election ‘05 were submitted to high-ranking electorate officials in both God’s Headquarters in Las Vegas, Nevada, and Central Headquarters in Heaven on Tuesday.

Many inaccuracies were found in the voting process, including several errors in the electronically submitted ballots, as well as a large number of votes from Earth that were altered or thrown out altogether. Suspicions abound that all of the eligible candidates had a hand in tampering with the final voting results to reflect an advantage in their respective directions. Results from the election were so skewed, in fact, that a board of Heavenly officials have decided to announce the successor to the fallen Holy Redeemer will not be one man, but a committee of men, built up of all the eligible candidates who ran in the God Election.

“It’s hard for one man to fill His shoes,” God’s son, Jesus Christ, said to LushForLife.com correspondent Porcious Crank. “Though we are disappointed in the candidates,” Christ said, “we feel that all of these eligible men have at least one golden, godly quality that they can bring to this committee to help restore fear and righteousness to the God position.”

The committee, which is being called The Holy Committee of God, is made up of all the Godship candidates, which included evangelist Jim Bakker, motivational speaker Tony Robbins, actor Craig T. Nelson, the prophet Moses, evangelist Billy Graham, football coach Joe Gibbs, television personality Tom Snyder, the Lord of Darkness, Satan (who will retain his old name of Lucifer), and basketball player Charles Barkley.

Most of the Holy Committee members will retain their previous jobs in some capacity, as well as serving on the Holy Committee. Satan, however, will hand over primary control of Hell to actor Mel Gibson, as he attempts to re-enter the gates of Heaven, where as the archangel Lucifer, he once reigned as one of God’s right-hand servants.

“I’ve been waiting for this chance for what seems like an eternity,” Satan told Porcious Crank. “I never thought they’d ever let me back in this place.”

When asked about the state of Hell, Satan responded, “Hell is just fine. I’m giving control of Hell to one of my most trusted servants [Gibson], but I’ll still remain a high-ranking official there, acting as a mentor to Mel. A consul of sorts, I guess.”

Each of the committee members will be allowed to appoint two members to the Holy Cabinet. The Cabinet will work in conjunction with the Holy Committee of God in conducting the day-to-day spiritual needs, including the listening to and answering of prayers, the performance of miracles, the writing and editing of existing books of the Bible, as well as new chapters, and the governing of the holy communities on both Earth and in Heaven.

Appointed Holy Cabinet representatives include evangelists Tammy Faye Bakker, Benny Hinn, and Joyce Meyer; actors Jon Voight, the spirits of actor Marlon Brando and activist Malcolm X, PBS spokeswoman Suze Orman, television show host and businesswoman Martha Stewart, the archangel Gabriel, and Heaven residents Mary Magdalene, King David, and the apostle Paul.

“With this committee, the presence of God will be stronger than ever,” Committee Chairman Tony Robbins said to LushForLife.com correspondent Arthur Rocks in Las Vegas. “Before, there was only one God, albeit he was omnipresent,” Robbins said, “but now God’s children have a whole board of holy men and women to reach out to. It’s going to be very exciting.”

In his closing statement, Jesus spoke out to the people of Heaven and Earth:

“Rest assured, my children, with this new committee, the power of God will be as strong as it has ever been. I am with all of you. Don’t forget, I am still the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one gets to the Holy Committee of God except through me. Only now all applications of salvation will have to be put before the board, receive a two-thirds majority approval, then sent to the Holy Cabinet, where the application will have to be approved by a simple majority, and then sent back to the Holy Committee for final approval. May you all flourish in the kingdom of God for all eternity. Amen.”



Tags: , , , ,

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro


This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]