Getting Raped At The Pump

TAMPA – With gas prices around the country nearing an average of over three dollars, many consumers are staying away from the pump altogether. So dire is the situation, many metro area police stations are being inundated by missing persons reports of SUV owners, and drivers of large trucks have been spotted weeping openly in the streets. Chevy Silverado owner and Tampa Bay resident Myke Vilches told that if the gas burn on his wallet gets any worse, he’ll have to sell his cat, computer, and girlfriend, as he refuses to pawn his PlayStation 2. And the problems at the pump are getting worse.

In Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Sunday, Scott T Wolfawitz was actually assaulted by a petrol pump. “I just walked up to the thing, hit the ‘pay with credit card’ button, and the god-damn machine went berserk.” When Mr. Wolfawitz tried to explain to his friends, family, and the authorities, they all didn’t understand at first: “After the… incident,” Wolfawitz told in a telephone interview, “I was in the emergency room and people were just laughing at me when I told them I was raped by a gas pump. They kept pressing me to find out what happened, sprinkling in things like I had such a good sense of humor and I was taking my injuries so well. When I finally got through to them by defining the word ‘literally’, they sent in a psychologist and a trauma councilor to talk to me! They still didn’t believe me!” In fact it wasn’t until Tuesday morning when two more men were admitted to the hospital with similar injuries and stories that people started to believe Mr. Wolfawitz.

In a strange and ironic twist of industrial design gone horribly wrong, Gaffco Gas Pumps admitted, early Wednesday morning, that some of their engineers had followed certain instructions too literally, as Mr. Wolfawitz had attempted to point out. In a leaked internal memo from Gaffco, it was revealed that upper management had instructed their engineering department to create a pump that would help the oil companies rape their customers. The new machines were supposed to monitor usage and tack on surcharges at peak times as well as randomly increase the price of gasoline during the pumping process. Unfortunately, it seams that management at Gaffco failed to remember that most engineers suffer from a disorder called Createctomy, which is an acute lack of imagination. The engineers proceeded to create a pump with all the requirements, including the ability to maneuver its hose and spout into the anus of random, unsuspecting customers, while forcibly holding them down with high prices.

Gaffco has since instructed their gas station clients to hang “out of order” signs on the faulty pump, and is considering removing them altogether.

In related news, President Bush outlined his vision of the future to reporters, Wednesday. The vision included the first nineteen alternate fuel types the President could think of off the top of his head and robotic unicorns that would pump your gas without raping you.



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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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