Bush Wags Finger At Iran


TEHRAN – In a rush story that any journalist should be obligated to write, Iran has figured out how to really piss off Americans, this week, in claiming to have fulfilled plans for a nuclear power plant, complete with excessive waste that can be used for nuclear weapons. President Bush has noted that all options are “on the table” as far as dealing with Iran is concerned.

All options, apparently, includes sanctions, military force, tickling, and time-out.

The former options are an old, antiquated way of dealing with countries run by religious fundamentalists, according to Diplomatic Relations Specialist Hank Smutchenberger. Sanctions have proven ineffective against the likes of Cuba, and military force in Iraq is proving to be a no-win situation.

Tickling and time-out are seeming more likely what the US will do in an attempt to curb Iran’s nuclear appetite.

A group of Navy SEALS is scheduled to break in to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s home next week and tickle him until he promises not to use his nuclear facilities for the proliferation of WMDs.

If that doesn’t work, once Iran has made their nuclear weapons apparent (probably by detonating test bombs in a neutral territory, like Israel), the US plans to put the entire country in a state of “time-out”, which will give the citizens and their leaders time to silently reflect on what they have done to their state of foreign relations.

Said Bush in a press conference: “I think that this is the best course of action. It’s apparent to you reporter-types that my methods of winning wars don’t work. Sooo, I’ll try it your left-wing way. Rummy (Donald Rumsfeld, presumably) has got my back on this one, as well as Jesus and every Christian ever. We’ll see who has the last laugh.”

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Dr. Egbert Sousé is a columnist and the Senior Editor for Lush For Life.Born and raised in the rural Deep South, Dr. Sousé attended University of Vanderbilt, where he received his Bachelor's Degree in Mass Media, then going on to Georgetown for his Master's, and eventually graduating from Brown University with a Doctorate Degree in English, where he studied under the highly respected writer and journalist Dr. Leonard Epstein.Dr. Sousé has written articles for a variety of publications, including Newsweek, Time, and The Boston Globe.When not working, Dr. Sousé enjoys spending his leisure time at the local horse tracks, where he places two dollar bets and attempts to make contact with extra-terrestrial life.He currently lives in Tampa, Florida, and during the summer months he resides at his remote villa in Key West, Florida, where he enjoys drinking home-made Absinthe while he continues to complete his Great American Novel.

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