TEHRAN – In a rush story that any journalist should be obligated to write, Iran has figured out how to really piss off Americans, this week, in claiming to have fulfilled plans for a nuclear power plant, complete with excessive waste that can be used for nuclear weapons. President Bush has noted that all options are “on the table” as far as dealing with Iran is concerned.
All options, apparently, includes sanctions, military force, tickling, and time-out.
The former options are an old, antiquated way of dealing with countries run by religious fundamentalists, according to Diplomatic Relations Specialist Hank Smutchenberger. Sanctions have proven ineffective against the likes of Cuba, and military force in Iraq is proving to be a no-win situation.
Tickling and time-out are seeming more likely what the US will do in an attempt to curb Iran’s nuclear appetite.
A group of Navy SEALS is scheduled to break in to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s home next week and tickle him until he promises not to use his nuclear facilities for the proliferation of WMDs.
If that doesn’t work, once Iran has made their nuclear weapons apparent (probably by detonating test bombs in a neutral territory, like Israel), the US plans to put the entire country in a state of “time-out”, which will give the citizens and their leaders time to silently reflect on what they have done to their state of foreign relations.
Said Bush in a press conference: “I think that this is the best course of action. It’s apparent to you reporter-types that my methods of winning wars don’t work. Sooo, I’ll try it your left-wing way. Rummy (Donald Rumsfeld, presumably) has got my back on this one, as well as Jesus and every Christian ever. We’ll see who has the last laugh.”
