April Horoscopes

Aries: The poops you take this month will be the best poops ever! Every trip to the toilet will be a wonderful trip to Happy-Poopy-Magic-Land. Each piece of poop will be approximately six inches long and 3 inches in diameter. Your sphincter muscles will seem to cooperate in an almost supernatural way as they allow every piece of poop to pass through your anus like a chubby kid dowsed in baby-oil gliding down a waterslide.

Taurus: At 6:34 PM, April 30, during a commercial break for a rerun of That ‘70s Show, you will do fifty stomach crunches. Good job!

Gemini: Congratulations! You’re going to Puerto Rico!

Cancer: An old Wiseman once said: “A penis in the hand is worth two in the bush.”

Leo: You’re going to build a house for a homeless person. You will sweat and labor each day, working diligently from sunrise to sunset to fulfill this good deed. At the end of the month, your homeless beneficiary will move into his new house. Exactly one month later, he will not pay his homeowners’ property tax, and a family of W.A.S.P.s will buy the home out from under him at a government auction. Your life and efforts are meaningless.

Virgo: Umm… something… cool…(?) and… exciting… will probably happen!

Libra: While traveling to Mars in your space shuttle, you will get sucked into a time warp. Your vessel will crash on a strange planet inhabited by highly intelligent apes. They will hold you captive, and anally probe you fortnightly. Once you are able to escape, call 1800-APE-RAPE. They can help.

Scorpio: One morning, while eating black cherry low-fat yogurt, a currier will arrive at your door with a parcel. Inside this parcel you will discover a black envelope with red lettering that says, “Do not open.” You will decide to obey the envelope’s instructions, and not open it. You will never find out what’s in the envelope.

Sagittarius: An infomercial is going to change your life!

Capricorn: Stop eating cheese, immediately!

Aquarius: Big, hairy moles will grow all over your entire body, literally covering the entire surface of your skin.

Pisces: Your popularity will increase when you discover that you have the ability to mentally masturbate anyone within a five-mile radius of you.




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