Sectarian Violence Erupts On Harvard Campus

CAMBRIDGE, MA – One day after car bombs and Molotov Cocktails rocked the quiet university town of Cambridge, city leaders begin to clean up as a community remains divided. The violence at Harvard University came about as the result of tensions based on a dispute over an obscure passage from a piece of archaic fiction.

According to eyewitness accounts, the fracas started as a yelling match broke out over a weeklong dispute on the microcosm versus the macrocosm in Titus’ speech at line 217 in Act 3, Scene 1, of William Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus.

Reports say that the quarrel remained relatively calm until student Webster Cumberland shouted, “Screw it! Shakespeare didn’t write the stupid plays, anyway!” This threw the two sects into an outrage, turning the entire campus into a sectarian battleground. Molotov Cocktails were thrown from third story windows as bombs hidden in the ground effects of Honda Civics exploded. on-site correspondent Arthur Rocks was air dropped into the tumult where he interviewed 3rd year philosophy student Alfred Gesund, one of the few students not participating in the mêlée.

When asked his opinion on the sectarian violence that was dividing his school, he replied, “It seems rather fucking oafish and antiquated, arguing, let alone resulting to violence over outmoded literature. I’m in a place where I should be surrounded by intelligent people and I find that they lack the intelligence to express their emotions in any sane way… ”

Unfortunately, Gesund was unable to finish the interview, as a spinning rim from a firebombed Escalade cut him in half just above the waste. Gesund became the only casualty of the violence, and is mourned along with five Volkswagen Jettas, two nitrous-fueled Honda Civics, and one Kia Sephia.

The violence was finally quelled when 30,000 National Guard troops armed with tear gas and non-lethal weapons stormed the campus. The Campus remains under a daylight curfew as all Shakespeare is removed and banned for the remainder of the semester.

The violence at Harvard has prompted universities around the world to place limits on mind-numbing psychobabble and reading too far into dated literature. Ascribing more than two meanings on any given sentence can result in suspension and repeated offenders may be terminated.



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