New US Secretary Of Interior: Lawrence Summers


Lawrence Summers has recently been in a dark place, but has emerged into the Light, with a new career as a model example of the 21st Century USA Man of Faith.

Summer’s plunge into darkness began when he came up against people of a different faith. He learned that it doesn’t pay to mess with the religious left.

You know the types who drink the diversity Kool-Aid, until all women become a priori discriminated against, illogically oversensitive and so PMS-ish that you can hardly mention the words “women” and “science” on the same day without being a chauvinistic son-of-a-bitch?

Larry Summers has also had a crisis of confidence in his leadership, diplomacy skills, and erectile sustainability – after being told repeatedly that he failed at Harvard because he did not have the balls to stand up to a self-interested faculty.

Silly man. Students appreciate hearing professors pontificate on their favorite thesis, latest research or publication. It makes it easier to sleep off a hangover. In return, faculty can have more time to write, research and think about sex. Much better than a “rounded education.”

Summers has also suffered painfully from looking into the abyss into which logic has fallen since his days in the Clinton Administration. He has endured a time when the rigorous thought revered in America since Independence has been publicly ignored (and Harvard can’t even win a debate against a tiny Christian college like Patrick Henry [Purcellville, VA], or Falwell’s Liberty).

In his darkest hour, as Summers battled his pain, he learned his lesson and emerged a better man, converted to fundamentalist Christianity. He will now be ordained as a pastor in an extreme right-wing conservative branch of the Baptist Church. As a Man of Faith, he will now belong to True Orthodoxy.

Even better, the resignation of Gail Norton has opened a new path for Lawrence Summers. He has accepted an appointment as George W. Bush’s Secretary of the Interior.

His struggles with logic are now over. Those women scientists can bugger off. Norton didn’t need science, and in the future, neither will Summers. Environmental issues can now be decided by Faith. Global Warming will do whatever he decides it will do, while he is shaving in the morning.

He is also pleased that his confidence crisis in his diplomatic and leadership skills has been resolved. In a private meeting with the President and John Bolton, Summers was assured that such skills are, in fact, a hindrance to Men of Faith, and they will not be needed in his new position.

Those Afro-Americans? The ones who are, a priori discriminated against, illogically oversensitive and really only like playing rap music? They can sod off with the women scientists and the bloody-minded faculty. They can even go to Princeton with that bastard West, because their opinions don’t matter to him, now that he is a Republican.

Whenever Summers suffers a twinge of bewilderment about how this whole Faith idea works, his new team members remind him not to worry. It got Bush elected twice, and 34 percent of Americans still think he is doing a good job, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Lawrence Summers in putting his Faith in that.

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